To Love, Love First Thyself
Recent discussions on depression and creativity sparked a memory of a book I'd recently read entitled, Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. Not one to pay attention to popular media, and frustrated that playing couch spud was all I could manage, I crammed the remote button down until it practically held itself. Titles sped by, once, twice...and hey, the third time was a lady, one by the name of Oprah. I spot checked the show, where a beaming blonde nodded nostalgically to a misty-eyed Oprah, who was citing a passage from her book. I wouldn't have given it a second thought until I heard:
I'm here. I love you. I don't care if you need to stay up crying all night long, I will stay with you...There's nothing you can ever do to lose my love...(p. 54)
While Ms. Gilbert explains that it was this inner voice she heard that stilled her crying, and that she could not pinpoint its origin, I began to ponder a different thread. What if it was not considered so selfish to really love ourselves? Biblical scripture speaks of "loving thy neighbor as thyself," and, after all, don't we care for ourselves through food, rest, and appearance? Even as I thought this, my mind flooded with all the ways I had not cared for myself - denying myself food or, just as bad, stuffing myself mercilessly with it; caffeinating my body while an overrun nervous system begged me to sleep; allowing a harmful depression to make me think I did not matter, so therefore, why try? I readily admit I am my own worst critic, one that never ceases to analyze, criticize, and abuse. When do I say, "No more"? January 1st of every year? How about my birthday, or next Tuesday, or after I've shaved my legs and walked the next mile? No, it has to be now. If I don't, who else might I be hurting? It may be someone I will never know about, just as Ms. Gilbert does not know about me, and yet, she offered herself after she learned to love herself, and gave me the gift of hope.
My turn.
