Holly's Morphing and Musings

I have a number of wonderful blog friends who post such insightful and meaningful words on their blogs and yesterday, my friend Tanaya, posted a poem by Oriah, that hit me right between the eyes and socked my heart like a sandbag.  Those words were so necessary to my well-being, I'm surprised that I haven't heard them before.  Has anyone else ever been rocked to the core by the written word?  Have you ever felt something so deep and moving you couldn't put it into words yourself, you just knew that those words must have been written for you?  I know many of us have felt that deep knowing and intuitivity that comes from seeing another feels exactly as you, has been through a similar fire and was able to capture the essence of that experience and transform it into words as you've been unable to...   

I have read The Invitation over and over again, hearing it's power and feeling the warmth that come from knowing I must do what needs to be done.  Dealing with my depression and anger and past traumas have taught me that I must listen and do what is in my soul.  I must be willing to take my fear and anxiety by the horns and wrestle them to the ground, make them submit to what I desperately need, want and yearn for in my life.  My depression was a signal from my body that I was denying my true self, not living how I needed by being true to myself and by denying my deepest desires within the very core of my being.  I am still learning, yearning and allowing my dreams, desires and needs to come to the surface of my soul, I have been burying them for so long, a reminder of my childhood, teen-age years where I had to stuff the pain I felt deep within my body and now it has finally risen to the surface. I am safe and can now deal with all of it, allow myself to feel the pain and sorrow, it racks my body and mind, but I am learning how to listen to that pain and grow beyond it.  I do not have to let it consume me any more.  I can wrap my arms around my wounded self, comfort her and feel the ache in her heart.  I can hear the message she's sending me, but I don't have to allow the pain and suffering to suffuse the very essence of my being.  It's like having a big pile of manure dumped on you, eventually you have to climb out of it, move beyond the stench, clean yourself off and continue on.   I am seeing you need manure to grow your garden, but too much can be harmful, overpowering and detrimental to how you grow.  My pain was necessary, it was my manure that I have been storing away for almost 40 years and now it has grown too big for the container I was stuffing it in, my soul.  My soul has reached the capacity for holding it all in, so the walls came tumbling down, a disaster of broken bits and pieces that I have identified myself with for so long.  I am digging deep, cultivating the soil of my soul and dreams, working in the manure and throwing out what I no longer need and will harm my growing.  I feel the tender shoots reaching for the sun, wanting to embrace the light, the seeds of myself that I have hidden from the glowing light of the sun.  It feels good to open my arms to the sun, feel the warmth on my face and body and know, just know, that I don't have to climb into the deep recesses of my pain and suffering, the false bravado that was my old life.  

I am reaching out to people as never before, apologizing for the hurt I have caused others in order to feel superior and in control even though I was desperately spinning wildly in the whirlpool of pain.  I held on to old hurts like a child desperately hanging on to her security blanket, terrified it would be stripped away.  I am outgrowing the desperate neediness I felt to cling to everything so tightly, suffocating the air out of the bright vessels brought my way, shoving people away from me who only wanted what was best for me.  Forgive me, I didn't know myself what I needed and yearned for, I have turned my ears away to the callings of my heart for so long I forgot how to hear the callings of my heart.  I used my anger as a shield to fight back any foes who wanted to help me, it served a purpose for so long, I could not see that the shield was rusty and damaged from years of abuse, fighting and wielding it when I didn't need to.  I was choked with hurt, anguish and the ability to cry out for help.  I believed my abusers that no one would believe me and allowed their own injured psyches to rule how I lived my life.  

I am healing and it feels right.  I write for hours and allow myself to put all my feelings, good and bad, on the paper and with every word I write, a little more pain and disbelief is allowed to dissapate into the air where I know the angels are disposing it for me because I have too much to handle on my own.  My journal has been my lifeline, my anchor, I let the pain disappear on the endless blue waters of the universe.  I hold my son and my husband close to me and murmur to their souls "thank you for loving me, thank you for believing in me, thank you for being here for me and not pushing me away."  My heart is opening up to all the wonderful happiness I can imagine and dream my future holds. I know it will be bright, sunny and maybe a bit cloudy too.  I want to embrace "being brave" and doing the things I've told myself I could not do, not be, not have...  Being brave, becoming "real" (thank you Velveteen Rabbit) is a long, slow process but I am ready to embrace it, share it and bestow love and gratitude to all those who have been helping in my journey, my healing, hearing my words and encouraging me.   I love you more than you can ever know.  Blessings to you my friends.

I have not visited this blog in a while, I have been simmering deep within myself, trying to make sense of my feelings, who I am or rather, who I was.  The person I thought I knew for almost 40 years is not the same now.  I was diagnosed with depression and I agreed to go on meds which are helping, but I still feel lost, scared and vulnerable.  My body is rejecting the changes in my mind, I’ve come down with some kind of bug that has my throat raw and sore and my muscles ache.  I am not motivated to do anything except vegetate in front of the television.  I mindlessly walk the dogs, allowing my brain to go wherever it needs to, some days I am unaware of how far I’ve walked unless Hayden is with me.  My son grounds me, I feel safe with him, I feel his love for me at every turn, I try to become well for him and for my husband… for myself.  I have forgiven my mother, my father, those who abused me and took away my confidence in the world and in myself.  My husband holds me as I cry or if I just need to feel his strong arms around me.  I am grieving the loss of myself, the old Holly, the one who was the “rock” of the family, who had it all together, held the family tight and secure, helped everyone out.  I am now the foundling who does not know how to function most days, my art lies forgotten, untouched, my writing journal is straining at the seams.  I write for hours sometimes, my thoughts exploding onto the page as if it is my life jacket in turbulent waters and I’m afraid my head will fall under the waves and I will be lost…lost…lost.  I have to re-invent myself, get back in touch with my childhood and teenage dreams, ambitions, desires.  That girl is buried so deep within me and some days she eludes me, she hides and is afraid to come out, to trust and allow the goodness to seep back into her life as honey dissolves in tea.  Sometimes life needs to get hotter, to allow the flavor to come out, I am like those tea bags, I need time to steep, smell deep, enjoy the fragrance and the process but the water is so hot.  I am not used to allowing myself to feel my emotions; I have stuffed them down deep inside of me for years. Slowly the lies unravel, the falsities I have told myself, the half-truths, the unspoken horrors and fears, years that I tormented myself, trying to prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that I wasn’t as horrible as I thought, “how could I be?”  It wasn’t my fault or was it?  Everyone assures me that it wasn’t, why do we “victims” of rape believe that it is?  Why do we take to heart what our abusers told us?  Why did I give them my power, my voice, my life?  How do I learn to trust myself again, believe that the world is not out to hurt me?  I’ve hurt myself more than anyone else has.  Why did I suffer alone for so long? 

When I tell family members, my doctor, my counselor of the rape, everyone believes me and wants to comfort me.  I remember first words out of people’s mouths “It wasn’t your fault.”  “I’m so sorry you had that happen to you.”  “What can I do to help?”  “Oh holly…”  Oh holly indeed, my heart breaks a little more every time I remember but it’s also made me stronger, more aware of what I have endured, more at my own hands than those of my abusers.  I have allowed the trauma to continue for 20 years, I’ve never let it go.  I’ve held on to my pain, hurt and disbelief, those thorns of shame deeply embedded into my soul, choking off the rich and bountiful life I have denied myself.  How does everyone else see the real me?  I see deep blue eyes in the mirror, but they don’t seem alive, I feel like a hermit crab without his shell, so vulnerable to predators and the elements.  The shell I built around me protected me… no… it kept everyone out.  I used it, my anger, to harden myself, nearly sacrificing my marriage, my friendships, my relationship with my family, it was my weapon.  I could use my anger to prove how strong I was, I controlled everyone with it.  I could keep anyone at a distance, away from me, proving I would not allow anyone else to hurt me.  Nobody could get in, even my husband…  My sweet, caring husband who has always loved me more than I have ever loved myself.  What did he see in me?  Why does he believe in me so?  I wish I could see me through his eyes, feel what he feels, be as patient with me, as caring, as loving, as tender.  I am lost without my false bravado, my anger, my control.  I am having to learn how to reach out and ask for help, and so surprised when I see so many people offer to help, reach out to me, love me… 

I have to learn how to become the person I’ve always wanted to be, do the things I’ve always wanted to do, find a career that is satisfying and enriching where I can give back to people, create, play and be silly.  I can see where I work from my bedroom window and I grow weary of looking at it, knowing I will have to walk back through those doors, it feels like walking into a pit of vipers, leeches and energy sucking vampires who can’t wait to take my life force, resign me to a job of just “working to pay the bills”.  I know I will have to go back, but I’m not strong enough yet, how do I get stronger? 

I feel safe at home, among my garden where the Echinacea flowers are bigger than my hands, where the large round bumblebees buzz and circle the flowers, I watch fireflies at night, flashing on and off, delighted when they land on me, lighting up my skin, hearing the birds sing their melodious songs, seeing their bright flash of colours, sitting by my pond watching the stray cats come for a cool drink, sitting in my chairs watching the little maple cast shadows on my legs as it reaches its branches higher and higher into the sky.  I feel at ease at my sewing machine, making gifts and clothes for me and Hayden, reveling that I am talented and capable at creating works of wearable art, things I’ve made with my own two hands and imagination.  My home is my cocoon and I rarely want to leave it, the dogs and cats are so content that I am always here for them, they are attuned to my moods and energy levels, they sense when I need quiet or when I need to touch them, confirm that I am indeed good, they love me without words.  I can connect to them on a deeper level; I grow tired of speaking, talking, telling my story to people.  “When are you coming back to work?”  “How are you feeling?”  “What’s wrong?”  I don’t want to talk, I just write and write and write or stay in my head, allow my son to hug me and smother me with kisses, that, I can relate to.  He seems to know that I am so fragile right now and he dotes on me, checks up on me, makes sure I’m ok, how are children so perceptive?  I thank the higher power every day for him, I would be lost without my sweet son. 

I don’t feel like I’m “good enough” or deserving of all this love and attention.  I long to hide back in my shell but know I’m like the crab who has outgrown it and can never go back.  I don’t want to crawl away inside that hardness anymore, I want to fly free and embrace myself, allow myself to soar in the open air of my life.  How do I do that?  I want to but I don’t know how, can anyone show me?  There are no classes on “how to live joyfully and soar in the clouds”.  How do I make a living being true to myself and my abilities, my desire to be with my family, to give back to people?  I feel so unsure and nervous about trusting my heart; I’ve rarely done it before.  I am reminded of a quote “Just take the first step, you don’t have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step” it feels like I’ve forgotten how to walk, how to trust in myself that I can learn.  I walked early as a baby but this is different, I’ve forgotten how to give myself up to joy and the process of doing.  Baby steps.  Ahhhh, to embrace the act of learning and allowing yourself to fall once in a while.  Children are so determined, they just do, the brain doesn’t engage and say “Oh, don’t do that, you’ll hurt yourself.  What if people laugh at you?  What if you fall?  Isn’t it easier to just be carried around, it’s safer you know.”  I need to learn how to get that certainty of childhood back, to trust my own two feet and my will power.  I’ll get there yet, just you wait.

I just finished watching the movie, "The Sixth Sense" and enjoyed it very much.  After the movie was finished I kept thinking about the little boy's line "I see dead people. They don't know they're dead, they only see what they want to see." and it made me think of a deeper meaning, one we can apply to ourselves.  

     I hurt myself over a week ago, I had a nasty fall off my bike and went crashing into the sidewalk, smashing my ribs and head.  Luckily, nothing was broken, but I did dislocate a few of my ribs and have been in agonizing pain ever since.  This is not the first time I've "hurt" myself.  I have a history of childhood abuse which has plagued my adult life and most of my childhood as well.  I've intentionally inflicted pain upon myself at times and was often described as a "klutz" due to my many injuries, most of which probably could have been avoided.  I have been battling depression again and while I was debating going back on anti-depressants, I've come to the conclusion that they would harm me more than help me.  I've decided to get counselling so I can finally deal with my issues, but this movie also brought something more to my consciousness.  It made me see that we often deny who we are, what are talents are, we don't want to really "see" ourselves for who we are and we denying our deepest wants and desires, our true selves.  

      My continuous injuries have been a way of drawing attention away from who I really am, what I really want, I have been keeping myself in my "injured child" through all my physical hurts.  This was very hard for me to realize and how much I really want to change that part of me.  I no longer want to hurt or to hurt myself, I want to "see" who I was, become who I need to be and finally be at peace.  

     So, who am I if I'm not a "victim" or a "survivor" as I like to term myself?  I know I am a person who survived a very difficult childhood and some very scary teenage years.  I learned to take care of myself very early on, I am strong, I am intuitive and I can overcome any obstacles thrown my way.  I want to live a wild, juicy life, full of love, art and passion surrounded by people who support and uplift me.  I want to be comfortable in my own skin, confident in my abilities and encouraging to others going through the same difficult life choices.  I want to be proud of me and what I can accomplish.

      I am blessed with a very loving, tender man who supports me whole-heartedly, we share a gorgeous, smart, talented boy who loves us both dearly and I have extended family and friends who adore me.  I am now ready to step up to the plate, heal my past wounds and venture forth knowing that I can accomplish my dreams and I can truly "see" who I am, warts and all.  If having to have this injury, at least I am grateful that I can see the message the universe was trying to send to me.  I have had to "take it easy" and rest, something most women have trouble with, since there's always a million things we could/should be doing.  My body won't let me, so my mind has been unleashed and I've been listening to the messages being sent my way.  In a way, I am glad that I have this time to regroup and I can work to understand myself and what it is I really want.  I no longer have to be frightened of  my power or of my past.   My coping strategies I learned as a child helped keep me safe, but now it's time to learn new ways of dealing with those demons.  I must set them free in the light of day, not keep them banished in the dark depths of my soul.  

     I always wondered why I was so scared of vampires as a child, now, I think I understand a little.  Vampires were just my scary memories coming to the surface and by letting them out in the full, blazing sun, they can finally crumble to dust, just as they are supposed to do...  I am looking forward to the journey and conquering them once and for all.     

 I did it, yes, I finally did it.  I called the university and asked how to apply to come back to school.  Eeeeeeek!!!  They were very helpful and I applied on line.  Now, I just wait to hear back from them.  I'm hoping to take one course in the fall.  I think I need to ease myself back into school.  I've been out of university for 17 years, OMGosh! 17 years is a long, long time.  I'm so nervous, I don't know why.  I know it will take me a while to get everything in order before I can graduate, but I may as well give it a shot.  I'd like to do something different with my life and I've got some good ideas percolating. Wish me luck as I wait patiently to hear back from the Admissions office!

 Today is the last day for the blog challenge #12 and I was inspired by Ari's Visions "Autumn Crow Design".

 Birds are often messengers for me and I try to listen to the message they have for me.  They are my favourite spirit guides and one of my most powerful totems.

 The message

 She decided to take a walk,

her thoughts were muddled, confused, racing

she needed to clear her head in the cool fall air.

She donned her thick wool sweater and hat,

the air would be cool.

Walking through the forest,

the smell of fall deep in her nostrils

the smoky, decomposing smell of fall

leaves a thick carpet on the ground,

swirling all around her

"just like my thoughts, so scattered, so many, no control"

Overhead a crow cawed and startled her.

Heart racing, she looked up

One solitary crow, jet black with a brilliant white chest

"Caw, caw"  He looked at her with intense black eyes.

The bird could see deep into her soul, she felt his gaze penetrating her

The swirling thoughts stopped as she concentrated on this bird and what he was trying to tell her

A message broke through, "follow your heart, do not be afraid"

The bird continued to look at her and she felt her eyes well up.

He was right.  She knew what she had to do.

Caw caw caw and he opened his wings and flew up into the sky with leaves dancing all around him

She knew, she knew, she knew

Her heart felt free and she bounded home with light, airy steps. 

 I've been writing in my journal about my feelings about going back to school, on one hand I yearn to go back to school and on the other hand I'm terrified.  How will I pay the bills if I go back to school?  Will my family life suffer if I'm not home as much? Will my husband and son understand if I can't be around as much?  How will I get studying done when I still have to work full-time?  Am I too old, I'm not in my 20's any more?  Am I just being silly, I mean I have a "good" job, can I give that up for the unknown?  

     Ahhh, such is the human mind, always thinking the worst.  They are valid questions and of course, I should think long and hard about them.  The scariest thing of all is that I haven't even gone to talk to anyone at the University to make an action plan for my education, find out costs or what courses are offered part-time.  My inner critic laughs at me, at my nervous energy and trepidation.  I think she secretly hopes I'll fail, that I won't even try, I just stay hidden in my little prison in my head I've made for myself.  After all, she gets to be "right" and rub my nose in my shortcomings and fears.  How do I silence that witch once and for all or do I let her have her say and prove her wrong? 

      How do I ask my family and friends for support and understanding in this undertaking?  Where will the money come from?  So many questions I torture myself with, so many unknowns, so many so many so many.  When I start to get overwhelmed, this thought enters my brain.

      I remember hearing that quote in the movie "The Secret" and being blown away.  I'm sure I had heard it before, but it never really sank in.  When Jack Canfield told the story of driving from California to New York in the darkness and all you can see is what's in front of the headlights, you can still get there, you don't have to see the whole road in front of you, just take it one step at a time.  

     I guess my first step is to sit down with my family and tell them what I want.  Wish me luck. 

One of the greatest gifts ever given to me was the gift of being cherished, adored and encouraged as a child.  I did not have an idyllic childhood and there were many turbulent times growing up, many times it was a struggle to keep a roof over our heads and even though we often lacked in material things my parents always found ways to make us feel special.  My mother is a self-proclaimed "hippie" and her parenting style was often questioned by other "grown ups" but she never swayed in her conviction to teach us to always question, apply our knowledge, strive to learn, respect the earth and each other, and to always find time to be silly.  I grew up with parents who embraced different cultures and religions, they had open attitudes and refreshingly welcomed others of different backgrounds and beliefs.  

     They gave me the gift of myself, I was always encouraged to follow my heart, never limit myself and keep on reaching for the stars.  I always had their full support in whatever endeavors I wanted to do, whether it was my little lemonade stand which grew into a little vegetable stand, my trying to mother baby birds that had been tossed from their nests,  growing maple trees from seedlings to fine, tall little trees that we distributed to friends and planted in empty fields so that others could enjoy the majestic trees they would become, taking all the fabric scraps and creating a new wardrobe for my dolls, planting herbs in the garden, or learning about the life cycle of monarch butterflies and praying mantids. Even when my interests scared them (ie, bringing home snakes) they still encouraged me to learn and have fun, even if from a distance.  

     The gift of their love and support has always meant the world to me, how many children never get that from their parents?  I shudder to think of the possibilities of not having love, support, and encouragement.  My parents taught me so many valuable lessons, both good and bad, and I carry those gifts with me each and every day.  As I raise my own son, I try and emulate the good they taught me, encourage my son, listen to him, teach him and tenderly let him become his own person.  I realize how difficult it was for them and I thank them on every ocassion I can for having the strength to teach me to fly with my own wings and to remain grounded with good, solid roots.  The lessons they taught me are a gift I use every day and what an amazing gift they gave to me.  They gave me the ability to believe in myself, what a precious gift.  Thanks Mum and Dad. 

 When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be.

Lao Tzu

     I saw this quote today while I was looking at rubber stamp plates here and the quote reverberated in my head for quite some time, it's actually still in my head.  The power of the words hit me like a bolt of lightning and have left me reeling. Every now and then I run across a quote that seems to be custom made for me and my situation, I'm sure we've all had those moments.  It has dawned on me, that I am really the only force holding myself back, I'm afraid to let go of "who I am."  I am just beginning to discover that the life I've been living, the place I've been working for so long, just isn't me.  I have "known" for quite some time that I needed to do something else, but just haven't had any sucess finding my path and lately I've even been frightened to get out there and try to do something different.  It's scary to not have that steady income you've grown so attached to, leave the support system that's kept me afloat in troubled times, the interaction of my coworkers (some of it is unwanted too, mind you) but most of all I'm afraid to be uncomfortable.

     I find that funny because I have felt "uncomfortable" for quite some time now, but how do you leave the "devil" you know for the one you don't?  How do you leave your comfort zone and venture forth on your own when you're not totally sure what you should be doing?  Let's be practical here for a minute, I still need to pay my bills so how does one take a leap of faith and give up all that "stability" for the unkown?  Just a little bit indimidating isn't it?  

      When I was talking to my father last night, he asked me a question that really made me think, he asked me "so what are you doing to get started in your own business?" (I'm paraphrasing just a bit) since I have expressed an interest to leave my present J-O-B and venture out on my own (which both he and Col have been very supportive, thanks guys!) and when I sat down to think about it, I really haven't made any PLANS.  I have not sat down, read a book, talked to anyone who's self-employed, done any research AT ALL!!! How can I say "I want to have my own business" if I'm not even attempting to learn anything about being in business for yourself.  I'm great at coming up with ideas but I don't have much in the way of "follow through."  How can the universe help me along if I'm not helping myself? 

     I have to learn how to be more comitted to myself and my dreams if I ever hope to accomplish them.  It's time to start taking myself seriously.  It's time to start buckling down and tackling those little obstacles as they creep up.  It's time to start living my life for me. It's time, it's time, it's time....     

Today was Earth Hour and my hubby and I turned off all the lights to honour everyone's fight to save the earth.  Turning off the lights for one hour may not save her, but we've got to do all we can right?  Even the fish lost the light in their aquarium too, hey, we all have to do our part!  As this hour draws to a close, I was reminded of a time when light was not as easy as turning on a switch.  I loved to read "The Little House on the Prarie" books as a child (and heck, even as an adult, I like to read them again!) and imagining how life was like before all the comforts we have now.  

     Living in Ontario, I appreciate having central heating and can't imagine how those brave pioneers lived through crazy winters with only a fireplace, no insulation, and no comfy gortex!  Our lives are so luxurious and we don't even realize it.  I know there are many people even now who have trouble keeping their houses warm, some can't even afford to turn on the heat, some people live on the street, it makes me so grateful to realize how wonderful my life is.  Could one hour of darkness really make us appreciate what we have?  I don't think that was the intention, but that's what I got out of an hour without light, gratitude.  

      I make it a practice to appreciate what I have in my life daily.  We cannot have more if we do not appreciate what we already have.  When we recognize the richness that is already existing in our lives, we open ourselves up to receiving more goodness.  I am a firm believer in the power of gratitude, I've seen it work.  My life is so much happier now that I can accept what I have in my life and thank the universe for all the good things, and even the not so good things.  Life is truly a gift to be treasured.  

    In an hour of darkness, I found the power of illumination, the realization that I have a light shining in me, even in the dark. 

I know I am on an exciting path but each day brings me new delights, new teachings and a whole new view of the world.  Today I had a friend tell me he has been diagnosed with prostate cancer and he will be going for surgery very shortly, those words sent me reeling.  Chuck could see how upset I was with the news and he quickly grabbed my hand, looked me in the eye and told me  

 "Holly, I'll be okay, really, everything will work itself out. I have a great doctor and I'll be well taken care of. I believe that I will be fine."

As I looked into his eyes as he told me about his wonderful doctor, his supportive family and some of the good things that have been happening to him since he received "his news", I saw nothing but radiant joy and self-assurance.  A slow glowing feeling came over me as I watched my friend, who despite news of an impending surgery, chemotherapy and radiation as he battles cancer, was so serene and confident that I could do nothing but smile at him.  I told him I would send him some positive energy and keep him close to my heart and I gave him a big hug.  Now if that isn't a lesson for me to take to heart, I don't know what is.  Chuck, by his positive attitude, has shown me to really cherish each moment, live in the now, love what you have right NOW.  Life is so precious, so very important to use your time wisely.  I haven't stopped thinking of him all day.

Later in the day, another friend came to me and told me this year is the twelve year anniversary of him donating one of his kidneys to his brother.  What an amazing gift!  He was able to give the gift of life to his brother, what a reminder of how precious our lives really are.  I've always known what a sweet, giving man he was, but now I see how truly beautiful he is, from the inside and I felt so privelleged to know him.

I have no idea if my friends know how much they impacted me today.  I spent the rest of the day on cloud 9, completely energized and ready to face my future.  I'm so excited to be living and able to have so much enthusiasm for my journey that lies ahead.  No, my workplace isn't ideal at the best of times, but what a gift it is to me to have met these two remarkable men that have given me so much more hope and assurance that life unfolds exactly as it should and to savour each moment. To be fully present each minute we are here on earth. I am so glad to be learning the joy of being in the NOW.  

I find it funny that since I've decided to be more focused on me and the things I want, suddenly other people around me seem to be tuned into other things that I want.  For example, I had always imagined in my head that it would be impossible for me to leave my full-time job and pursue other interests I have in the way of careers, I mean, I have a family and a mortgage, I can't just quit my job can I?  Ever since I've lifted the heavy yoke of burden off my mind and shoulders, I feel so free and light, but I've also noticed my husband has been more receptive to some of my ideas.  Don't get me wrong, my husband has always been one of my biggest cheerleaders, but I have held back some of my dreams and desires because I didn't want to seem "flighty" or risk losing our home so I could live my dreams.  Lately, since I made that decision to live my life for me, I've noticed that I'm getting more support from him and from other family members.  

     While picking up some groceries at Costco, Steph (my brother's girlfriend) picked up a box of ready made cards and showed them to me saying "see, look at these cards.  They're similar to the ones you make, but yours are nicer and they're charging $18 a box for them."  That made me smile that someone thinks my cards are nicer than "storebought" and mostly Steph was encouraging me, complimenting me and in a way, thanking me for my talents.  Kevin has also said I should be out selling my cards on E-bay or something.  I've also poo-pooed the idea thinking "there are so many people who do that now, why would anyone want to buy my cards?"  It has been a recent thought that people buy different cards for different reasons, what appeals to one, doesn't appeal to another.  That's the joy about selling on-line, you can target different audiences and prospective buyers.  There's more than enough card makers to go around.  

      I don't want to concentrate just on cards alone, so I've been tossing many different ideas around as well.  Some I even bounced off of Diane Armstrong who I was fortunate enough to have some free coaching sessions with.  She's wonderful and I just love her to bits!!! Since I've stopped having those weekly coaching sessions, I sort of forgot about my dreams (sorry Diane!) I'm the perfect example of why coaching is so important!!!  I think I'll pull out my journals from that time and re-read them, maybe I have some hidden jems in there, or maybe, my ideas just needed some time to percolate before they were ready to come out.  Maybe I really am a late-bloomer!  I think my time is coming, I've got the ideas, a great support network and now I really have the DETERMINATION to make it all happen.  I'm getting so excited!!!!!   

     Well, I'm off to do some art before I have to go and check on the kitties, I'm pet sitting for neighbours who went away for the weekend.  Have a Happy Easter everyone!!!  I think I'll go ahead and put all my eggs in one basket!   

It never ceases to amaze me how inspiring music is.  Take for example a great little ditty by Sugarland "Settlin'", it's main theme deals with a lady dating and not "settlin'" for less than "everything".  As I listened to the chorus:

"I ain't settlin'
For just getting by
I've had enough so-so
For the rest of my life
Tired of shooting too low
So raise the bar high
"Just enough," ain't enough this time
I ain't settlin' for anything less than everything"

It dawned on me, that those lyrics sum up perfectly how I've been feeling over the past week.  I have decided to follow my dream and make Art my main income, my passion, my teaching...  I am still formulating a plan but I am sure that if I dedicate myself and my future to my goal that I will achieve having Art as my career.  

"Until recently, I never knew that I could be so focused and determined."  No, really, I know I am a survivor of many traumas but I have not felt this sure of myself in such a long time.  Now that I have really decided that I will make what I want my highest goal, everything just feels so right.  It's very hard to describe and put into words right now, but I feel so much love and support from my family, friends and especially the Artella community that how can this not be the "right" thing for me to do?  I've constantly put my family's needs before me, ever since I was a teenager, so it feels very awkward sometimes to be thinking of what I want, what I need, what's best for ME.  "Until recently, I never knew that wanting something so much could actually be good for my soul."  It actually feels a little silly for me to be so focused on me, doing things that I really enjoy, researching how I will achieve my goals and dreams.  I am going with the flow and enjoying the ride, I know I have so much to learn, but I know that through Artella and the support of my family, I will be able to be a self-supporting artist.  Now, on to research how to sell my products through the Shoppes of Artella!!!

My blog writing has been sporadic, my art journalling has been nonexistent, I have done no creating for months now, I was consumed by such a feeling of melancholoy and sadness...  I have been banging my head against a wall at my full-time job, trying to transfer to a new department, wondering what skills I needed to upgrade to keep a "j-o-b", terrified of what might happen if I got laid off, tormenting myself for months, stressing and obsessing and just being unhappy in general.  I was feeling pretty bleak and I almost decided to go back on anti-depressants just to start feeling a bit better when I had a moment of clarity and knowing...

     Last week when my son was on March break, I let him have a friend sleep over and I took both boys to our local Art Gallery since they both love art and I was sure they'd enjoy it.   Now I have been avoiding doing art for months now and it was beginning to frighten me, so maybe I was hoping that I'd feel inspired to get back into doing something, ANYTHING!!!  As the boys were off exploring one exhibit and I was left standing alone among the art with that horrible inner voice running a constant newscast of "you better figure out what courses you're going to take, you need to get moving on classes, you want to make sure you have marketable skills if you ever lose your job, You're almost 40 hurry up already!, what are you going to do? I've been telling you for years that you need to go back to school, call the college and see about the weekend college classes you could get into if you went on strike that would be the perfect time to buckle down and get some things done..." bla bla bla, on and on she droned.  I have been growing so tired of her tirade and her constant chatter so finally standing among the art I quietly told her to "SHUT UP!!"   Suddenly a silence reverberated in my head and a knowing crept in, with a voice as quiet as padded cat feet I heard "You already know what to do."  With that thought echoing in my head, I stood and looked around me, I got the sensation that the room itself had told me I knew what to do and the thought exploded in my head that THIS, this whole room filled with art of all different mediums was my direction, the only way I would achieve any inner peace and feeling of completeness, ART is the answer.  It always has been.  I've just been denying that I could support my family through art, that there would be no market for my art, everything has already been done why even bother.   Standing there in that silent room, staring around me and hearing the thought over and over again like falling rain "Art is your path, follow it, do not be afraid." I felt a deep and profound sense of peace, all the anxiety about my JOB was draining away and a sudden surety of realizing I had to stop squashing my love of art and be brave and bold and follow my heart, follow the art.  It dawned on me everyone who has ever encouraged me in my art, no matter what the medium, there has always been people in my life that have told me "you're good enough" they genuinely like what I do.  I had a sense of acceptance when I took the creative writing classes last year, when I submit my art through Artella and show my pictures on Flickr.  

      That was the day I stopped denying that I need to have art in my life, I need to take more classes that will develop my artistic ability, I need to allow myself to be who I AM, an artist.  

      Let the journey begin....

Lately, I haven't been myself.  I feel rather blue and melancholy.  My body feels tired and so heavy.  My full-time job weighs me down emotionally and spiritually. I've even taken to smoking again when I'm at work.  I usually only smoke when I'm stressed and lately, it's just been so easy to run outside and bum a smoke from someone.  Many other people I work with feel this way.  It's not just me, many of us are disillusioned after working for 14 years for a company and we still can't get ahead, many of us are trying to better ourselves in terms of education and learning but we cannot transfer into another department.  It's most discouraging.  There were a large group of people that used to laugh and smile, actually enjoy what they did and it was so rare and I'm afraid it's become even more rare now.   Maybe it's a touch of the winter blues along with frustration at work, missing my father and his wife, basically just feeling out of touch.  I have been perusing the blogs here and have been inspired and have actually laughed at some of the witty entries.  It's done me a small bit of good too see how others are faring in the world.  I enjoy seeing others blogs, hearing their stories, reading their poetry, just seeing what everyone else is up to.  It makes me feel so good when others leave comments on my blog so I always try to leave a comment on someone else's.  I also realize I haven't journaled all month, I've been so busy with so many other things that I haven't done one piece of art!  Eeeek.  Marney had a challenge to talk about creativity and depression and I think I found a link that applies to me.  I become so lost and sad without my outlet of writing and art.  I literally feel like my head will cave in, the act of writing words is so cathartic for me.  It is an immense relief to pour my feelings down on paper, even if it's a putrid stream of anger on the page, I've released it and let it go, I've freed it from my body.  I sat down today and wrote for over an hour and filled up 10 pages. It felt so good to do that.  I must remember to get back into writing and doing art.  It keeps me sane.

  Marney keeps challenging us with the blog topics of the week and as I sit here and contemplate "a perfect moment" and silently kick myself for writing my blog post about my reunion with my father before this topic came out, a reminder about "being in the now" comes into my head.  Memories swirl in my head about different "perfect moments" but I can hear Eckhart Tolle's voice in my head reminding me to stay in the now, revel in this moment, to just be present in our life every single moment. 

    We humans are so busy, always wondering, worrying, fretting, planning, organizing, rushing, stressing, anxiously trying to plan our day to day lives that we often don't just sit quietly and reflect how perfect each moment is.  Even during the rough times in our life, we try and wish things away, I've done it myself but after listening to Eckhart Tolle's audio books, I have begun to look at my life in a different light.  Each moment we are alive is perfect, it is as it should be, even if we don't like it, as soon as it happens, it is gone.  We need to stay focused on each moment, what is happening right NOW, every single second we get here on earth is sacred. 

     I have been keeping a gratitude journal in my head for years, concentrating on every single little good thing that happened through the day (Marney's e-course "Accounting Your Blessings" helped a lot with that too) and thanking the universe and the Higher Power for giving me so many small, wonderful things that happened throughout my day and just revelling in the feeling of happiness.  To me "a perfect moment" is when I am just enjoying all that is going on around me, thankful that I can still take part in the celebration of life, even during my Grandmother's funeral, I was thanking the Higher Power for bringing together my extended family, for giving me a chance to see cousin's that I don't see very often, for giving me the chance to hear my Aunt's and Uncle's share their favourite memories of their mother, my Grandmother.  During all that grief and sadness I was trying to find a small light, I felt like the more I concentrated on the good things happening at that exact moment, acknowledging the sadness too, that the grief lost some of it's grip on me, like a flame that has no oxygen to fuel it, my grief was allowed to live in the moment and I could move on.  I just stayed in every single moment, let that moment exist for the brief time it was allowed and I moved on to the next. 

     I am still practicing "being in the now" and it is a difficult art to master, but I feel it is a form of meditation that I can do anywhere.  People ask me "why do you take so many pictures?" and my response is so I have proof that that moment in time existed, I acknowledged it and allowed the next moment to come into my life.  Many don't "get" it, but some do.
      So forgive me if I can't conjure one single "perfect moment", I am too busy enjoying each moment as it comes along.  Hopefully you can do the same.

p.s. Why can't I get a picture on my blog???  If you click on the "afternoon sun" you will be directed to my flickr account where the picture is.  sigh....  Maybe I'll get this right in a few more moments, but until then, that will have to do...