Goddess in Training

Hi All,

An Update for you on my coworker who has breast cancer and her boyfriend who has lung cancer.

All of the prayers must have worked because Neil went to the hospital and stayed in intensive care for a couple of days and was released and sent home. He did not die.

Laura my coworker has a bad reaction to some dye which is injected into your system to find all of the cancer cells. She was sick. However, the prayers and thoughts worked for last Wednesday she began eating again. I mean she ate meatloaf and enchaladas and lots of ice cream.

She has not started chemo yet. And so I ask you to continue your prayers and positive thoughts for her road to recovery will last at least a year. Her cancer is very invasive and can come back into any of her organs or lymph nodes just like that.

I thank you all for your kindness. I will continue updates.

I am currently not creating art but am okay with it. I feel when the time is right I will be creating like mad. Sometimes a person just needs to take some time and evaluate life. And notice how one person touches your life and those around you. 

Goddess of Worth and Value 

Hi all,

One of my co-workers was diagnosed with Breast Cancer she is in Stage 3 and has had her masectomy. She will begin Chemo soon. She has a boyfriend that has lung cancer. This morning she tried talking with him and he got up but could not seem to respond to her. She called 911 and they came and took him away and told her not to expect him to come back. His lungs are failing now.

She really has no one else. She has a mother that is almost 80yrs old and a brother that has many emotional and development disorders. She has 2 friends outside of work but one is an alcoholic and the other has bipolar disorder and doesn't take medicine.

She only has me and 8 other  coworkers to help her out. Most all of them live farther away. There are only 2 of us that live close by. But you know everyone has their own life to live and really it is impossible for us to take on all of her care. But we are trying to do as much as we can for her.

I just would be so thankful if all of you could send positive thoughts or prayers her way. Her name is Laura Ray and her boyfriend's name is Neil. She needs all of the Love and support that the world can offer her right now.

Thank you,

With all of my love,

The Goddess of Light

Thank you for you support and words of  encouragement. It truly means the world to me. I have as yet to delve in to the two websites deeper but hope to this weekend. And you all are right. This is a very safe place to be. Thanks to my wonderful Artella community!!

And I have even been doing a bit of art work lately!! : )

Growing Goddess

Warning : Before starting to read this blog realize it is not a happy blog.  It is a deeply personal struggling depressing blog but it must be written.

First off, must let you know from the blog before I found out the wedding dress I threw out was my mother's. She told me that at the beginning of the divorce I took mine and cut it up while I was crying hysterically. Ooops! I do not remember that. At least my mother nor my sister can fit in it. It was built for a woman of 90 lbs. But none the less terribly sorry about it.

There is one thing that holds me back now - my eating. In 3 years I have put on 42 lbs. and I believe it to be an addiction.   I have never said this to myself or others. I have thought about going to one of those food addiction places to understand more about my relationship with food. But I am scared.

I like who I am, I like my figure.  I even feel sexy and I do not let negative comments bother me. I am a worthy person, a beautiful person with a wonderful, artistic soul who loves to dance and loves to ride motorcycles. I am most at peace with myself when dancing or doing art work. I have a boyfriend who loves me for me.

But I know what I do makes my body tired, hurt and achy and the food I am eating is just not healthy. I should care enough about myself, my son and my boyfriend to be the healthiest I can be. It could be my new way of dealing with stress but most likely has to do with my former relationship. My ex husband was a cruel man regarding my weight. I lost a lot of weight during and after the divorce. My boyfriend was hurt by a woman who dumped him after having lap band surgery. I have no idea if my eating is related to this and how his feelings may change if I lose weight. But he did meet me when I was lighter and has stayed with me through the weight gain. I had made a target goal for myself not to go over a certain poundage and I am on the brink to over by a couple of pounds. I do not want to disappoint myself and am afraid if I don't take action it will spiral out of control.

I thank you for letting me place these very personal feelings in this blog. I needed a safe place to admit and maybe come out of denial regarding this. I would welcome any suggestions from you all. I am just not sure how to begin or where to begin. And I am scared to delve deeper but know I must. Otherwise the food addiction wins and I lose. And I am not a loser. I am not going to let food control me. I am stronger than it.

- Gaining Goddess searching for answers

Wow! It again has been a long time since I posted here. Since that time I have been pretty productive!

I have tossed away several bags of cut up magazines. That alone is a miracle in itself.  I had to have a will of steel not to keep looking for things in them. I am trying to adopt my new way of thinking. Go through the magazine once. Cut out anything and everything that "speaks" to me. Then toss the darn thing away. It is taking time to get used to this new concept.

I also have gone through my closets - I have procrastinated sooo long in this area. I have clothes from the 80's (you know the time when everyone wore vests). I have an old prom dress and my wedding gown. Ewww! to the last one. I thought I got rid of it.

And I just came up on my 3 yr. of being divorced. So I quickly tossed it away. No donating a dress that the marriage ended up in divorce. However, it was tossed away still on it's hanger with a plastic bag around it and then placed in a big garbage bag (which did not have any garbage in it) with the veil in a small plastic bag too.  So if anyone dumpster dived well it could be used since it would be protected from many things. However, if you are looking for your wedding dress in the trash - that's got to be a bad sign to start out a marriage. 

Regarding my other clothes - the nice ones which were never worn my son says maybe we should try and sell them on Ebay or Craigslist. He offered to take the pictures for me. Hmmm. Not sure but sounds like a good plan. Have gone through my books again and pared them down.  

But I am most happiest and most relieved in finishing my son's College Application for Financial Aid for Fall. I should hear his award in a couple of weeks. So, I have been incredibly busy also trying to make time to spend with my boyfriend Jerry. Even though I would love to see him all of the time I guess it is a good thing our schedules do not always cooperate. Because then I have time to do these things that I have been putting off for so long. It is tough at times because when that sun gets warm and it is over 75 degrees it is a motorcycle riding day!! And we are usually gone from 6-8 hours.

This has been my best summer in a long time. Last year, I had hurt my back and the year before that I had broke my ankle. And before that the divorce was wrapping up. So things are getting back on track.

 - Gaining Ground Goddess

Gosh,

It has been almost 3 months since I last blogged. It has been crazy. March didn't really exist for me - I was sick for so long.

And I have so much decluttering and reorganizing of my life to do right now. I conveinently forgot that my checking account and credit card account were still linked to my ex-husband. And we have been divorced for almost 3 Years!!! So now I am in the process of changing everything. My son will be going to college in fall and I am doing the financial aid process - so complicated. Why is it so hard to fumble through this paperwork???

I have not felt too creative lately. I  am just happy if I can get some filing done. 2007 files are almost done. However, I have misc. 2004-2006 files hanging around. Good thing - I felt so accomplished when I finished filing my 2008 files. I am current there for the most part.

I look at all of my art supplies and wonder - If I havent' used them in 3 years why keep them? I do not have much room in my apt. I feel almost overwhelmed by all of the supplies since I have no real space to call an "art room".  I have tried to come up with plans but somehow they do not actualize. So, I am thinking the easy way is to just throw away or donate unused materials.

I know I will be happier when i can get everything under control and I mean regarding not only clutter but my life in general. My love life seems to be doing real well. My work life is going better but don't have the supplies needed to effectively do my work.

My, I just read this and realize how negative and complaining it is... I must change this and be more positive and instead of complaining "just do it".

sign me Complaining Goddess in Training...

I hate being sick. Especially when it means being naseous and feverish. I have no energy, none at all. I spent over 4 days in bed - doing nothing. I know my body needed the rest but I so wanted to be creative and do odds n ends around the house. Get rid of stuff, file stuff. Sure it is boring stuff but it needs doing anyway and has been sorely neglected.

On the positive side I have been painting more. Which makes me happy. I painted a Valentine's Day card for my boyfriend which he prominately displays in his bedroom. And I painted my mom's birthday card. I would like to get set up so I can have a better area to paint. I have been using my computer keyboard tray.

I am almost done with my sickness. A cough and slight cold still persist and might stay with me another week. But I have a good amount of energy coming back.

Recuperating Goddess

Oh Gosh!!

How do I do everything? I have been so active blogging on this site and participating in events as they come up. Then I am now doing this Creative Hero's Journey game partnered with SoulCollage through KaleidoSoul.com. Last week I attended a scrapbook/collage meet up for the first time. And was going to try something called PaintDancing - if you are interested to know what that is about go to PaintDancing.com or search it in You Tube. However, I fell sick with a migraine last Friday.  And I am opening up to so many things and yet I have to file and do my taxes. And make sure my relationship is a top priority so my boyfriend doesn't think I am ignoring him. Well, it's not ignoring him but more like I am currently using him as a chauffer to get places - art stores, art gatherings, doctor's appts, grocery shopping. Ugh! I hate that. But sometimes it really becomes so impossible to do things by bus.

 I don't mean this to be a complaining blog - just a letting off of steam so I can calm down and regain my peaceful calm demeanor and not get stressed. It is good having so many Creative opportunities. It is just where do I start? And how do I divide up what time I have? And I am wanting  to really dabble in paint right now.

And I really want to blog and participate in the blogging events. But somehow I always forget to send the email and link. Oh boy! I think I need to reflect and focus on what is important and finish a task and look for things during the day I can attend to by bus so my boyfriend doesn't think I only love him because he has a car.

-the ever so busy, so opening up Growing Goddess 

I wonder how many of you have ever at one time or another bitten off more than you could chew in many different ways.

I did very recently.  I am taking an art class entitled The Creative Journey. The class revolves around creating a game out of the current Journey you are in at this time in your life. We design the game board, and the pieces. It is partnered with the SoulCollage process. 

I am overwhelmed. I know I will finish this game, but am not so sure regarding the timeframe. I may not be done in the 3 month timeframe of the class. I have not done many artistic mediums other than paper collage and writing poetry. And I am not really even sure if the Journey I believe myself to be on is just a smokescreen for some part of my life I just seem to be afraid of.

I am afraid of what? Of delving more deeply into art mediums. Of working with clay and not have my creations turn out the way I envision in my mind. Of people saying "What's that?" because my "people or game pieces" are almost stick figures. I am afraid to break free... to let myself do the uncontrolled, the unknown, and not be perfect. I am afraid I will let myself down.

 I have many different ideas about how I want to approach this Journey Game but feel almost weighed down by all of the rules - this part has to look like this , that part has to be like that, and the end if where all of the good stuff happens. Why must all of the good stuff happen at the end... Why can't all of it be good. I guess it can be but I am not so sure. Supposedly we are to trust our intuition.

But what happens if my intuition is totally different than what the rules say? Is this bad? To me creativity is about freedom. The freedom to create with out rules. To let what happens happen. Like my poetry... my poetry is not forced. That is why I don't write poetry for months at a time. I do not feel the flow.

I think I need to be true to myself and work with out so many rules and if the areas of this project are supposed to be dark and I do that than so be it. But if I don't create it that way than that is okay too. I must trust and believe in myself and my creativity. Of how my art work flows of what colors and ideas are important to me. This is my project and I own the power to do with it what I want. See, I say that and I feel I become so defensive about this whole thing.

And is defensiveness going to help me with this project? I don't know. But I think I just need to lay off of jumping into everything that is new so quickly. I think I need to take baby steps. With baby steps maybe I won't feel so defensive, so overwhelmed, so stressed, so caged in.

I don't know if any of you have ever felt this way and can understand what I am going through. If any of you can understand these feelings please leave a comment about what you have done to get over this feeling.

Overwhelmed and Afraid Growing Goddess

 My hero is most definitely my son, Brandon.  Brandon has actually saved my life several times. I have epilepsy and have seizures. When he was 4 or so we had a special phone with a blue triangle on it. This  was the emergency 911 button. His dad and I taught him how and when to use this button. One morning when he was 5 I had a seizure. ( I heard this all later, mind you.) He had been crying but picked up the phone and pushed the blue button. He talked to them and was able to get the paramedics to help me. There were other times like this as he grew up.

When Brandon was 16 he had moved down to California to live with his Dad during and after the divorce. One morning I was talking to him and told him I did not feel good . I was lying in the bed all curled up feeling scared and started to cry. Brandon said just stay on the bed mom, just don't move . Stay on the bed. I will call you right back I will call nana. So from California he called his Grandmother who lives in Shoreline, WA and who in turn called for 911 to show up at my apt. in Edmonds, WA  The paramedics took me to the hospital.

These are not the only reasons why my son is my hero. My son has Asperger's Syndrome a form of Autism.  When he was young he was afraid of many different noises, did not like the feel of many types of fabrics, didn't play with many toys but instead had an interest in fans and how they worked. At the time we didn't know he had Asperger's - we did not find this out til he was 14 or so.

As he got older it was apparent he was not growing ( now I am only 4 foot 9 inches tall but his dad is 5 foot 9 inches). He was the size of a 7 year old when he was 12.  It turns out his pituitary gland was not secreting enough growth hormone.  So, he needed to take shots of growth hormone.  Now, Brandon had decided he would take the syringe and inject himself.  He got very good at it as the years passed. During this time I was diagnosed with Arthritis and was using Enbrel - a biotech drug given by syringe. I was scared to inject myself. And so my son stepped up to the plate and would inject my medicine in my arm for me.

Asperger's has been hard on my son.  He was expelled from 2 different schools.  But my son has been and continues to be a surprise to me. He doesn't make friends easily however, he has become more compassionate, and caring over the years. He is reading about Asperger's and talking to kids over the web who have it too. He tries not to let his Asperger's get in the way of his learning. If he needs help he asks. My son has not had it easy with a father that would never read anything about the Syndrome. His father acts like he knows everything about it but never gave my son the emotional support he so desperately needs.

However, California was good for my son. He missed me, his home in Seattle, and since could not make friends threw himself into his studies. And he became a straight A student. He excelled in Math, English and Photography and didn't do too bad in Wood working either. He loves to work with computers - he even has made his own. He also at times knows more about computers than his 40 yr old uncle.

Brandon is 18 now and lives with me. For the last 1 1/2 yrs he has done nothing but talk about going to college for Digital Photography. He will go to a local community college in fall of 2008.  

Brandon has worked hard for everything. He had his first job in California at a Safeway and currently works here at a Fred Meyer. He supports me when I don't feel good. He brings me soup, juice and all that kind of stuff. But my hero is  my son who loves me and talks with me. He shares his days, what interests him, his political views. Oh yes we have some interesting talks about the 2008 Presidental Race. We have many discussions on art and his love of nature. And if I am blue he is around to just give me a hug. And he accepts my boyfriend and will be proud to call him step dad when the time comes. I am his mother but his courage, his bravery, his persistance, his love, caring, his hard work continually surprise me and makes him my hero and my friend.

Get this - when he came back to live with me my son said this. "I have a cool mom. Before the divorce mom, you were like a closed book and now after the divorce mom you are an open book. "  What do you say to that? I laughed and hugged him trying not to let him see me tear up. Inside I was "Yes! Yes! That is exactly true and my son "gets" me.

I can't wait too see what the future and photography holds for him!   

 My family had a Tradition that finally stopped last year. The Tradtion where everyone gets together and writes up their New Year's Resolutions put them in an Envelope and gives it to my mom. Then my mom brings out last years envelopes which we then open and read.

It was a lot of pressure and didn't really help me to accomplish any of the goals.

Why do we feel we must make them?  I would be happier not making them. However, since our society talks so much about making these sometimes I just think and don't write anything down.

There are all of the regular ones --- I will lose weight, I will eat better, I will start exercising....  Who am I trying to kid?  If I lose weight it will be because I want to and not because of some list. And of course the other 2 will follow.

But those are lame. 

What really do I want to hope to accomplish in 2008?  Simple things!  Things like not getting hurt ( I had a broken ankle and herniated disks the last two years), taking an art class, getting my son off to college, loving my boyfriend ( hoping to be engaged and or married to him). Keeping my job and becoming more of a dependable person, continuing to be a happy person and learn to live stress free. To reveal in all beauty and to create. To smile more often. To be playful and fun. To find out what makes me happy and JUST DO IT! Oh and read I love to read!!  To take pictures and make memories!

That is about it - except for loving myself and accepting myself! However, I find those are getting easier and easier with each passing day.

With Love,

Blooming Goddess 
 

Wow! I just noticed I didn't even blog in December.  Where did the month go? I guess between creating art, shopping, taking care of my sick son, Christmas Eve at my boyfriend's father's get together, Christmas Day with my family , Dec. 26th my birthday, getting sick myself, and December 30th Christmas celebration with my boyfriend's mother. Oh! and how can I forget my boyfriend's father and his triple bypass surgery done on Dec. 20th - he even got released from the hospital on Dec. 23rd. !! We all weren't ready. The hospital said it would be Christmas or the Day after when he would be released.

My gosh! I write this down and am amazed at all that went on for me during the month of December. I don't think I have been this busy in YEARS. I certainly don't go this many places. I guess it is how it will be from now on - I have been entered into the gift exchange for my boyfriend's family. There are 2 celebrations since his parents are divorced and his sister has 3 kids age 4 thru 10.

And I have a definite clarification from my boyfriend, Jerry. He says he will be ready this year (2008). He bought me a diamond necklace from the journey collection to match my diamond earrings he bought me for Christmas Dec 2006. And the best part his card was all mushy this year. They get mushier and mushier!! I am so happy!!

It is hard  to believe that our relationship has been so easy. We get along great, have fun and love each other. We can be deep yet also just be goofy. And he is making strides to get ready for marriage. He says he thinks of me often and he is lucky to have me in his life. And I feel exactly the same way about him. 2007 - even with my problems of my back and the tax man, and having to meet my ex husband again has been the most wonderful year for me yet in over 4 yrs.

The past is practically closed, while the present is wonderful and the future looks so very promising... So goodbye to all of 2007 and Hello! to 2008!!!

Hi!! It has been awhile....  but I participated in the Artella Open Mic Night and had an incredible time. Since I am West Coast I decided to wait to eat til it was over. Hey, I even had a  call from my mom buzz in on call waiting and I didn't answer it! This was MY TIME! I had my son let her know I was creating ART.

The poems were so insightful! So in depth, so alive.... And the drawing was so fun, so neat to just let yourself go to these poems. I can't wait to do it again!

I am going to participate in the Gratitude Night next.

I think I just might apply for a position in Artella! I love online research and all sorts of stuff. Bartering is fun! And if I eventually get paid - even better! To do what I love with like minded people.

If you haven't tried any events then you just absolutely must!! It brings out the Artella community even more.

And I LOVE the HOLIDAYS!! Thanksgiving and Christmas!! They bring smiles to my face.

Well, I guess it helps that my boyfriend is taking me to Las Vegas on Nov. 24-Nov. 27th as part of my Christmas and Birthday gifts!! I am so excited!!!

 And it is okay - he hasn't proposed yet - he is not ready yet. It just is so fun to enjoy this time with him!!

Well, I must be off .... Got an urge to create - must strike while the iron it hot!!!  

Love ya all,

Blooming Goddess

Thank you for your beautiful website! Thank you for all of the Online Events you are now offering! I am having a wonderful time with this new site. Also, I am learning much more about teleconferences. The age of information is beautiful. Information is my best friend.  I don't drive and have never really been able to attend many art functions due to lack of buses. Now, I can choose exactly what I want to do and do it!!! Many Many Kudos!!!

Growing Goddess

Our 2nd year anniversary of dating is here.  And instead of buying something for him - I decided to make a collage merging the two of us as individuals. So I take a huge posterboard. The left side is me and my complicated personality. The right side is his simple, to the point, few hobbies personality. The middle represents what we have found together. What it means to me to love someone so deeply in a relationship. The acknowledgement that we are best friends, pals, have fun, share, listen, love, accept each other, and hang together. How we feel and connect. He loves it when I make heartfelt collages. He knows for sure I love him and what we have is special. He says I am one in a million - which is interesting because I think the same way about him. This collage took me over 3 hours to cut and lay down. Not counting glue time. But once I knew my idea - it just started to happen. An artistic experience for me just can't get better than that.

Jerry has been through a lot with me. And we are getting closer - close enough to keep talking about marriage. Close enough for him to explain to me why it is not the right time for us. I asked him if he was scared of marriage, or if he is afraid if I might change after we are married, or if he wasn't comfortable with my son yet. It wasn't any of these things. He admitted it is the whole logistics. He lives with his dad who is 77. He only has 2 bedrooms. My son lives with me- he is 18. My son holds a minimum wage job and plans to enter college in Fall 2008. He also has Asperger's Syndrome (a form of Autism) and is not ready to live on his own or with a roommate. My boyfriend Jerry owns his own home - pays a mortgage on it. He will not move - how could I expect him to? He has a huge shop for building cars and trailers at his house. To merge the two of us together will take awhile and he is somewhat overwhelmed. He has never been married.

And this time I stopped really listened to him and understood - if the logistics and time were right we would be married already. He treats me more as a wife than a girl friend. He calls every morning and every night. When he can he takes me took work or the doctor's.  He is always there for me in my time of need. He will do things with my son. He invites me for all sorts of family get - togethers such as Thanksgiving, Christmas, Birthdays, as well as lunch with his Grandma. We talk over all sorts of financial info - and before he purchases anything always runs it by me first. I don't know why I have never seen this before. I guess because I have been so focused on being with him and loving being the girlfriend that I haven't realized over the months just how much he cares for me.

Now I know and I am blown away! And it makes the collage making even that much more fun and amazing! My creativity flourishing!  I am happy, content, and secure in this relationship which makes not getting married at this time easier to handle. Giving me time to delve deeper inside myself and my creativity.

 - Growing Goddess towards full bloom