Billizetti's World

     How in the world do I tell my wife about this one?  In case you haven't heard, the hard drive on my 8-month-old  iMac died.  I lost everything.  Well, I do have a few backups, but not of my original digital artwork files.  Egads!  Stab a knife into my heart!  How stupid could I be?  We just didn't have any money for an external hard drive, and backing up to CDs is a royal pain when you have a lot of files to backup.  Plus, I do backups all day for teachers at Ann Arbor Public Schools, and I just didn't feel like doing more when I got home from work.  Oh stupid me!  My wife already knows this part of the story, though.

    Apple replaced the hard drive free of charge.  Now I have to rebuild my entire digital art resources library.  But that's not what this little story is about.  While I was in the Apple Store, I saw all the "backup" solutions the store had conveniently placed on the shelves quite near where you pick up your repaired computer.   The new Apple OS "Leopard" has a built-in program called "Time Machine" that will automatically backup your files provided you have an external source to backup to.  Surprise!  Apple has a wireless external hard drive called "Time Capsule" that I believe came out the same time as Leopard.  I kept looking at it, and in my weakened state from the nightmares I've had about losing all my files, I grabbed one and charged it.  Oh I am so dead!  My wife pays the bills, so there is no way I can hide the purchase.  The Time Capsule is actually sitting right out in the open in my art/computer room, but I don't believe she will notice it.  But when she does, I am so dead!  

This is the big one.  I'm ready to die!  Remember last November when I wrote about getting a new iMac?  It appears the hard drive has died.  It's only 8 months old, and the hard drive has decided to bite the dust.  Remember how I've written before that I'm a computer tech for Ann Arbor Public Schools in Michigan?  This computer tech did not back up his own computer.  I couldn't afford to buy an external drive to back up to.  I have lost the last 8 months of digital artwork files I created.  I have lost all the Artella Studio Kits, as well as digital books I've purchased and worked on.  Just hand me a shovel, because I'm ready to jump in!  Billizetti is signing off!!!   

    I get a month off work!!!  All I had to tell my doctor was I'm nuts.  The stress from my job was doing me in.  If you read my last post, you already know I am trying to get use to sleeping with an air machine for sleep apnea.  It isn't going well, and I'm still dead tired all the time.  Of course, there is also the fact that I work year-around, but most of the other computer techs at Ann Arbor Public Schools have the summer off.  At least now I get one month of the summer to enjoy.

I want to take an early retirement.  I've probaby already written that somewhere in this blog.  I'd still have to work part-time, but it would be much better than five days of computers breaking down and people panicing because they didn't do a backup and thinking their computer should be fixed first because they are the most important person there is.  Egads!  It's enough to drive anyone insane.  Especially if you are already halfway there to begin with!  The problem is, with Michigan's economy being the way it is, there just aren't any part-time jobs available now.  Hmmm.  Why can't bills just pay themselves?! 

 My new mask I have to wear to bed for sleep apnea.  I hate it and haven't been able to sleep with it yet.

In case you are wondering, I survived spending a third night at the Michigan Sleep Center.  The first night I spent there, it was determined I have sleep apnea.  Finally an explanation for why I constantly feel like I've never gone to bed!  I wake up just as tired as when I go to bed.  Anyway, the second night I spent there was to make adjustments to a machine called a c-pap that sends air up your nostrils all night long.  People who have sleep apnea stop breathing off and on during the entire time they are sleeping.  That means your brain has been oxygen starved all night, and that plays havoc with everything in your body.  The constant air flow from the machine is suppose to make your body breathe even though it wants to stop.  The problem that second night was I didn't sleep long enough for the technician to determine the correct settings to be used on the machine so they could order one for me to use at home.  

That brings us to last Monday night.  Someone was suppose to have ordered a sleeping pill for me so I would sleep long enough for the tech to fiddle with the settings until my vital signs showed I was getting the correct amound of air into my system.  Guess what.  They forgot to call my cardiologist and get a sleeping pill.  Fortunately I brought an anxiety pill, and took it.  I had taken one only a few hours earlier, because the thought of spending another night in the sleep center was freaking me out.  Taking the second pill allowed me to sleep there.  I haven't heard anything yet, but I can tell you one thing for sure.  I will not go back for a fourth time if they didn't get the correct settings yet.  Three strikes and you're out!

     After 3 days of testing, and then two weeks waiting for the results, I found out my heart is fine.  Phew!  That doesn't answer the question of what is causing my vasovagal attacks, but at least it looks like I won't drop dead from a heart attack.

      I did find out I have sleep apnea.  I spent a night hooked up to numerous electrodes that fed into a machine that could track my breathing patterns, muscle twitches, etc.  The test showed I stopped breathing 48 times in one hour.  Holy cow!  No wonder I feel dead tired all the time.  The technician said my brain was not receiving the oxygen or rest it needed at night, and that could be the cause of all kinds of problems, mental and physical.

     I had to go back and spend a second night where they hooked me back up to the electrodes plus a machine that attaches to your nose and blows air into it all night.  The air flow is suppose to stimulate your body to keep breathing correctly all night.  Can you imagine what it is like to try to sleep with all that wiring taped onto you, including wires taped onto your face and wires glued into your hair, and also have a machine blowing air up your nose?  Keep in mind that a camera is aimed at the bed so a technician can watch you sleep all night long.  They also tell you that a technician will be coming in to adjust the air flow of the machine until they find the exact amount of pressure that is needed by your body.  Needless to say, if you have any kind of sleep problems to begin with, you sure aren't going to get much sleep that night.  I was in bed for about an hour when a voice comes through a speaker over the bed, "You don't seem to be sleeping, Mr. Charlebois.  Is there anything we can do for your?"  I don't imagine I have to tell you what I wanted to tell that technician to do, but being the kind person I am, I controlled myself.

     I received a phone call this past Weds. saying that I didn't sleep long enough the last time to get the readings they needed, and I have to go back a third time.  The technician said they will request a sleeping pill for me from my cardiologist so I will actually be able to sleep.  They couldn't have been ready with that the second time?  Whatever.  Once this is over, they will order a machine for me to use every night at home, it will be set up to exactly the right air pressure, and supposedly I will wake up feeling more refreshed than I can even imagine.  I sure hope so.  Right now I'm at work, it's only 1:10 pm, and I definitely need to take a nap!  I guess I better go look for some coffee.  

Storms Roll Across the Desert

Painting by Constance Bates

Poem by William Charlebois

Sometimes it feels like

God has forgotten me;

my life is filled with endless pain.

I see nothing ahead

but empty spans of sand.

A storm erupts before my eyes.

Lightening fills the sky.

The force of God’s power

trembles beneath me.

In time, the rain passes.

Flowers burst forth everywhere.

An eagle rests silently on a cactus

immune to the spiny thorns.

I watch until it spreads its wings

and soars across the sky.

A promise lights my mind:

“But those who are hoping in Jehovah will regain power.

They will mount up with wings like the eagles.

They will run and not grow weary;

they will walk and not tire out.”

I forget my pain and walk across the sparkling sand.

(Isaiah 40:31)

      I get to go to a cardiologist tomorrow for the first time.  Yippie!  I didn't go to work today, because I guess I'd rather sit home and fret about it.  I've been having these weird attacks called "vasovagal."  (Rather than give you all the gory details, you can Google or Yahoo vasovagal if you want to find out what the attacks are.)  I use to only get them at night after I've gone to bed with a bad cold.  My doctor said coughing too much can bring them on.  Last Friday, though, I had an attack after leaving a restaurant as we were getting ready to get into a co-worker's car to go back to work.  There were four other people with me, and I pretty much freaked them all out.  They thought I had a heart attack right there in the parking lot.  One called an ambulance, and I got a ride to the hospital.  Needless to say, I got the afternoon off from work.  I went to our family doctor Tuesday for a followup, and he said it's time to see a cardiologist.  It could be rather fatal, not only for me, but for anyone else, if happened to have an attack when I was driving a car.  Egads! 

      Well, the only good part about not going to work today is that I created the digital collage to the left.  The background was created by Anna Marie for Artella member's to download if they wanted to use it.  I'm calling the collage "Watercolor Love."  Hmm.  It must have been those hot colors that got to me.  Anyway, I'll put a larger version in my gallery if you want to see it.  Now I guess I'll go back to fretting about tomorrow. 

Saturday, March 08, 2008

     I was very excited when my muse/friend Marney announced that Eric Maisel, PhD, author of The Van Gogh Blues, would be visiting and answering questions in the blogs of Artellaland members.  I was even more excited when I learned I had been chosen to be one of those hosts!  I have dealt with depression for about 15 years.  The more accurate way of stating that would be I have “tried” to deal with depression for about 15 years.  The puzzle piece to the left is a poem I wrote that let's you see some of thoughts that go through my mind.  (I actually wrote the poem in response to a picture Chameleon created, but I thought it fits in here very well.)  I have been through many counseling sessions, read many self-help books, and been put on several different medications.  The depression always returned.  That is why my first question to Dr. Maisel was:

Bill:  What does your new book offer that is different from all of the other solutions doctors have offered?

Eric: Neither medications nor psychotherapy are designed to deal with the difficulties we face in keeping meaning afloat. I am arguing that the primary depression that creators experience is existential in nature and medications and psychotherapy do not touch depressions of that sort. If you are working on your novel and you have the meaning drain out of the enterprise because a thought passes through your brain—that the novel is not excellent, that it will be impossible to publish it, that even if it is published it will get remaindered in a month, or something similar—why would you expect an antidepressant or examining your childhood to help with that moment? What is needed is the active reinvestment of meaning at that split second. These are the ideas that I am trying to communicate.

Bill:  But why do creative people always doubt themselves so much?  That can lead to depression.

Eric:  First of all, the work they do is hard. It is one thing to push papers in an office and another thing to write a real novel. Second, the competition is fierce. Third, there is virtually no middle class in the arts; there are very successful artists and a vast majority who are not making a living. Fourth, it is not so easy to know whether the thing you have made is excellent: how do you judge the merits of another stripe painting or another romance? Fifth, it is not so easy to know why this thing you are slaving over matters: who cares if you have figured out a way to stage an opera at the beach with singers dressed like waterfowl? Sixth, there are the messages delivered by the culture, that artists are not real workers, that they do not really contribute, that they are somehow cultural parasites, and so on. Seventh, there are the messages that parents communicate, that a life in the arts is not only risky but indulgent and grandiose. That is the short list. I could go on—if I didn’t have some art to make!

Bill:  My next question is related to identity problems.  My father never wanted an artistic son.  He said it meant I would “turn out gay.”  Why do so many people think that if a man is artistic it means he is gay? The labels just add to the identity problems many artistic people have.

Eric:  This question sounds a little like a Protestant doctor asking why people think that if you are a doctor you must be Jewish. Who cares what people think? Stereotypes exist because they often have some solid basis in reality and gays and lesbians are disproportionately represented in the arts, which gives rise to this particular stereotype, but so what? If someone were to call me gay, I would just hit him with my purse! Well, to be half-serious, it is very important not to care much about the opinions of others and to remain the final arbiter of meaning and self-identity. To give away even an ounce of that power is to give away too much.

Bill:  I can understand we don’t want to give away power.  Many of the artists I’ve talked to feel lonely, though.  Why do we feel lonely?

Eric:  Because they are not convinced that relationships serve them or interest them. Often they are happiest alone in the studio doing the work, and they extrapolate from that happiness that maybe other people are just burdensome and not really worth cultivating. This is a grave mistake; both creating and relating are necessary for an artist to maintain a sense of emotional well-being. But the artist has to actually make an effort to relate or else the relating won’t happen: relationships are not going to come to him. He must make friends; be a friend; find intimacy; and get good at intimacy. Otherwise, he will be lonely.

     I had not read any of Dr. Maisel’s book, The Van Gogh Blues, by the time I had to come up with my four questions.  I thought, “Oh great.  I’m going to sound really dumb.”  I am about halfway through the book now, and realize my questions were the same ones asked by many artists.  Dr. Maisel’s answers and solutions to these questions make sense to me.  Now to put them to practice!

(Having a very strong faith in God, I just want to say for record I do not agree with Dr. Maisel's atheistic beliefs.  I do heartedly recommend reading his book, though.)

After two weeks of deliberation, our new Cocker Spaniel puppy has a name – Sophia.  That may be an odd name for a dog, but it seems to fit.  After all, doesn’t Sophia Loren have long eyelashes?  Our puppy sure does!  I don’t think my wife was thinking about Sophia Loren when she suggested the name, but I sure did.  :o)  Below are two pictures of Sophia sleeping on top of our daughter Kaitlyn’s two Italian Greyhounds, Shiloh and Echo.  The pictures make Sophia look much bigger than she actually is.  Our other dog, Lexi, is a Miniature Schnauzer/Cocker Spaniel mix.  Lexi isn’t in the pictures, though, because she prefers to sleep alone.

 ... I'm depressed!  In fact, I've been depressed since Sunday evening.  How fortuitous.  We were away for the weekend, but  I had planned on writing a post to my blog about "Creativity and Depression" once we got home.  I really want to win a free copy of Eric Maisel's new book!  You may have heard my wife keeps hitting me over the head every time I charge something.  Is it my fault I love to buy zines over the Internet?  I blame that on Marney.  I had never heard of zines until my sister saw something about Artella and told me I should check it out on the Internet.  Anyway, I just couldn't make myself write a post to my blog.  I was too depressed.  What makes it even worse today is the fact that I woke up to gray skies, rain, and the knowledge that, even though it is in the forties today, the temperature is going to become very cold again tonight.  It has felt like there is a lead weight on top of me all day.  I wish I could drive back home and crawl under the covers and never come out.  Unfortunately, my boss wouldn't like that.  The bills wouldn't get paid that way, either.

     The wise thing to do would be to figure out why I'm depressed.  I can tell you the surface reason pretty easily.  We went to our daughter's over the weekend.  She lives just outside Coleman, Michigan.  It's beautiful, open farming country.  If you have been reading my blog for awhile, you might remember she is the one with the wonderful, old barn.  What I found so appealing was, when I looked out the windows, I saw acres of empty, snow covered fields.  In the distance were more country houses and barns.  When we look out the windows back here in Ypsilanti, you have to be careful not to be looking in your neighbors windows.  One time, I saw the guy next door walking around bare butt.  Woops!  I better not give you any extra details about that.  I don't want to make anyone blush.  Getting back to the subject, I want to live where I can look outside and see trees, mother nature, and yes, by golly, even run around the house naked with the curtains wide open if I want to.  That is the way God made us, after all.  Just ask John Denver!  Or our neighbor! 

    Having written the above, it makes the deeper reason for being depressed more clear.  I feel like we really don't have control over our lives.  The easy answer to wanting to live in the country is obvious - move!  With the economic conditions being what they are now in Michigan, however, that is no longer an easy option.  My wife went online yesterday just to see what people were listing their houses for.  First of all, I need to tell you that no one in the area is selling their homes.  But to make matters even worse, they are listing their homes for at least $50,000.00 less then they were last year.  Anyone who wants to sell their home has to give up the idea that they will make any profit from doing so.  Many people in Michigan are happy if they can even make their mortgage payment each month!

    I should tell you that I understand why life is the way it is at this point in time.  I have strong spiritual beliefs that explain why the world appears to be falling apart.  Don't worry now.  I'm not going to force my beliefs on you here.  This isn't the appropriate "forum" to go into that.  The question is, though, how do we survive these times while maintaining some kind of sanity and happiness?  What do we do so depression won't overcome us and make life unbearable?  I think the answer is in "gratitude."  We need to be thankful for what we do have.  We need to be grateful for the blessings we have been given, and remember where we have gotten them from.  All of us here in Artellaland have the gift of being creative.  Can you imagine what life would be like if we didn't have that gift?  Right now I'm thinking the best way to get rid of depression would be to use that gift and then take it the next step further.  The greatest teacher who ever lived, Jesus Christ, said there is more happiness in giving then receiving.  Maybe instead of thinking about myself so much, I need to go create some art and then give it away.  I guess I better wait until I get home, though.  My boss is going to give me a kick in the rear end if I don't get busy and get some work done!             

    Any time I hear the question "Who is your hero?" I immediately cringe.  I have always felt like a totally odd kind of person, and to be honest, there are few people I look up to.  That may sound strange , but I mean I don't know a whole lot of people whose characteristics I would like to emulate.  To be totally honest, I usually feel so uncomfortable around people in general that I try to escape their presence before they have to time discover how different I am.  I like who I am, but I always worry strangers won't.  At this stage in my life, finally, I realize these feelings are based on leftover childhood scars. I also now know I am not alone.  The discovery of Marney, Artellaland, and that there are actually many of us out here who are square peg people trying to survive in a round hole world is wonderful!

    Now back to the question at hand - who is my hero?  I realized just a short time ago that I have a hero and I didn't even realize it.  He had a great effect on my life even though I didn't know him well.  I was deleting some old files off my hard drive, and I came across a copy of an article I was fortunate enough to have published a few years ago in Country Homes Country Gardens magazine.  That person was my maternal grandfather.  Most of my early childhood memories, the pleasant ones, revolve around him.  Rather than try to re-write everything I remember about him, I am going to attach a photocopy of the original article as it was published.  I hope you will read it!

If you have read my previous blog posts, I'm pretty sure you know by now how much I love Marney's new art form - altering digital books.  I have a new one online now that I hope you will really like:  Fairies and Fairy Castles.  Here is the link:  http://www.artellaland.com/DigAltBook/Gallery/wjc_Castle/start.html  There is a special dedication on the back cover.  Lani Gerity offers wonderful classes both through email and in person.  I was thrilled last August, because I thought I was going to be able to take her class on making an altered fairy book in Ann Arbor, MI. during the "Altercations" weekend.  (We live 11 miles outside Ann Arbor.)  Unfortunately, I could not take the class at the time it was scheduled.  I did look for her during the time I was at "Altercations," but did not find her anywhere.  I was very disappointed!  I sent her an email about it, and being the wonderful person she is, she put the instructions she used in her class on one of her blogs for anyone who was not able to attend her class.  Just like our Marney, Lani is a wonderful, sharing person!