Billizetti's World

I'm Finally a Gypsy!

2008-10-05T00:57:00Z

This might not be exciting to most of you, but it's exciting to me. I'm finally a gypsy! I don't know what day it happened, but when I reached a certain level of points, my "point icon" changed to a "Glory Giving Gypsy." I posted it to the left for you to see. I've always wanted to be a gypsy - romantic, artistic, musical, good looking, wearing colorful clothes and free to travel to see all the beauty of the world. Now I have proof that I am one. Well, I may be a little short on the good looking part now that I'm on the other side of 50, but . . . I think it's time to get out my violin!

Home is . . .

2008-09-17T17:20:00Z

Home is
where I sit
gazing through a window
at fields of gently swaying grain
waiting to be harvested
to feed us through the cold, snowy months
coming just ahead.

Home is
hearing bacon crackling
in the old cast iron skillet
smelling eggs frying sunny side up
as bread toasts golden brown
and pan gravy bubbles
to fatten us up for the cold, snowy months
coming just ahead.

Home is
hearing people talking
telling tales of days gone by
in front of dry, crackling logs
piled high in walls of stone
warming hands in autumn nights
waiting for the cold, snowy months
coming just ahead.

Home is
dreams of yesteryears
and staying warm
in the only place
I long to be
as the newsman warns of shortening days
preparing for the cold, snowy days
coming just ahead.

Teddy Bear Day

2008-09-09T14:33:00Z

Since this is National Teddy Bear day, I thought I'd post this picture of a small teddy bear I made by hand. I made one for my parents, my sister, my wife and our four children. That was at least 10 years ago now. My wife just found hers and got it out, so I scanned it. I had forgotten how fuzzy warm teddy bears are. It doesn't matter how old we are, we all need a teddy bear. Have you hugged your bear today?

Juicy Pens Thirsty Paper

2008-09-05T20:14:00Z

You have probably heard that SARK has a new book out: Juicy Pens Thirsty Paper. I finished reading it, and wanted to pass on a big endorsement for it. But first of all, no, the pencil above is not one I stole off her desk. (Although Juicy Pens Thirsty Paper does have several rainbow colored pencils on the cover.) I made the pencil above in Illustrustrator. It represents what I love best about Susan Ariel Rainbow Kennedy's books. Every page is hand written and covered in rainbow colors. The words just jump off the pages! I always feel so happy just to look at them. Of course, once I read whatever she has written, I feel so motivated to create. That's what makes Susan's books such a joy to read. She doesn't necessarily write anything earth-shatteringly new, but you can feel her inspiration in every word. That inspiration becomes motivation to the reader. Hey! That sounds pretty good! Anyway, if you enjoy writing but need a kick in the pants to do it, this is the book for you. If you've always had the desire to write, but have been afraid to try it, this is the book for you, too. Happy reading!

P S

Speaking of writing, I understand Marney offers a great writing course in the Artella Shoppes. I haven't been able to take it yet, but I'm sure planning on it!

(This has been an unsollicted, unpaid advertisement! )

Serendipity - Non-Tangible

2008-08-28T13:18:00Z

I wrote the following poem after Marney challenged us in the writing forums to write something about our "non-tangible collections."

I don’t know who decided
I should collect broken hearts.
It wasn’t me.
I don’t want the job;
but collect them I do.
I seem to have a knack for
finding them wherever I go.
Now, in case you’re wondering,
I’m not talking about broken hearts
others have lost or left behind.
Oh no.
I’m talking about my own.
You’ve probably hoped
a heart can be broken only once.
But that just isn’t true.
My heart has been broken by
friends, lovers, and even
some casual passers-by.
I would think my heart
should stop beating by now.
But no,
that isn’t the case.
I seem to have an endless supply
of invisible duct tape.
I don’t know who gave it to me,
but unfortunately, it works very well.
And it comes in so many colors now!
I’ll gladly give you some
if you want it, though.
In fact,
you can have my job, too.
I’m tired of collecting broken hearts,
especially when they’re all my own.

I was very surprised to receive three very wonderful comments about the poem. They made me very happy. I posted the following reply to them:

I can't believe how generous all of you are! I've never considered myself a poet even though I've always felt like one inside. I'm not even sure where that poem came from. I better explain that, though. I am the one who wrote it. I read Marney's post, and then immediately opened Word, and started typing. I had no intentions of writing a poem prior to that moment. I was rather surprised by what came out. Obviously, it was something hidden away in my mind that was bothering me. It kind of felt like one of those serendipitous moments others have been writing about. Marney provided the stimulus I needed and the words just flowed out. That's what makes Artellaland so wonderful! We can not only put ourselves out there for others to view without fear of being made fun of, but also know that others like QB will understand what we are trying to express. I have a collection of songs in my head, too, LilyRose, but unfortunately, I can never remember the words. That's why I have to just hum along!

Remembering that members were writing about serendipity in their blogs this week, I thought I better just copy everything from the writing forum and put it here in my blog. That way I could join in all the serendipitous fun! I just hope I'm spelling serendipity right. That isn't a word in my everyday vocabulary.

My Wife Will Kill Me!

2008-07-11T14:22:00Z

How in the world do I tell my wife about this one? In case you haven't heard, the hard drive on my 8-month-old iMac died. I lost everything. Well, I do have a few backups, but not of my original digital artwork files. Egads! Stab a knife into my heart! How stupid could I be? We just didn't have any money for an external hard drive, and backing up to CDs is a royal pain when you have a lot of files to backup. Plus, I do backups all day for teachers at Ann Arbor Public Schools, and I just didn't feel like doing more when I got home from work. Oh stupid me! My wife already knows this part of the story, though.

Apple replaced the hard drive free of charge. Now I have to rebuild my entire digital art resources library. But that's not what this little story is about. While I was in the Apple Store, I saw all the "backup" solutions the store had conveniently placed on the shelves quite near where you pick up your repaired computer. The new Apple OS "Leopard" has a built-in program called "Time Machine" that will automatically backup your files provided you have an external source to backup to. Surprise! Apple has a wireless external hard drive called "Time Capsule" that I believe came out the same time as Leopard. I kept looking at it, and in my weakened state from the nightmares I've had about losing all my files, I grabbed one and charged it. Oh I am so dead! My wife pays the bills, so there is no way I can hide the purchase. The Time Capsule is actually sitting right out in the open in my art/computer room, but I don't believe she will notice it. But when she does, I am so dead!

I'm Ready to Die!

2008-06-24T23:54:00Z

This is the big one. I'm ready to die! Remember last November when I wrote about getting a new iMac? It appears the hard drive has died. It's only 8 months old, and the hard drive has decided to bite the dust. Remember how I've written before that I'm a computer tech for Ann Arbor Public Schools in Michigan? This computer tech did not back up his own computer. I couldn't afford to buy an external drive to back up to. I have lost the last 8 months of digital artwork files I created. I have lost all the Artella Studio Kits, as well as digital books I've purchased and worked on. Just hand me a shovel, because I'm ready to jump in! Billizetti is signing off!!!

Sometimes it pays to be nuts!

2008-06-23T13:44:00Z

I get a month off work!!! All I had to tell my doctor was I'm nuts. The stress from my job was doing me in. If you read my last post, you already know I am trying to get use to sleeping with an air machine for sleep apnea. It isn't going well, and I'm still dead tired all the time. Of course, there is also the fact that I work year-around, but most of the other computer techs at Ann Arbor Public Schools have the summer off. At least now I get one month of the summer to enjoy.

I want to take an early retirement. I've probaby already written that somewhere in this blog. I'd still have to work part-time, but it would be much better than five days of computers breaking down and people panicing because they didn't do a backup and thinking their computer should be fixed first because they are the most important person there is. Egads! It's enough to drive anyone insane. Especially if you are already halfway there to begin with! The problem is, with Michigan's economy being the way it is, there just aren't any part-time jobs available now. Hmmm. Why can't bills just pay themselves?!

Why my wife won't sleep with me -

2008-06-13T15:01:00Z

My new mask I have to wear to bed for sleep apnea. I hate it and haven't been able to sleep with it yet.

You are sleepy, very sleepy . . .

2008-05-24T00:25:00Z

In case you are wondering, I survived spending a third night at the Michigan Sleep Center. The first night I spent there, it was determined I have sleep apnea. Finally an explanation for why I constantly feel like I've never gone to bed! I wake up just as tired as when I go to bed. Anyway, the second night I spent there was to make adjustments to a machine called a c-pap that sends air up your nostrils all night long. People who have sleep apnea stop breathing off and on during the entire time they are sleeping. That means your brain has been oxygen starved all night, and that plays havoc with everything in your body. The constant air flow from the machine is suppose to make your body breathe even though it wants to stop. The problem that second night was I didn't sleep long enough for the technician to determine the correct settings to be used on the machine so they could order one for me to use at home.

That brings us to last Monday night. Someone was suppose to have ordered a sleeping pill for me so I would sleep long enough for the tech to fiddle with the settings until my vital signs showed I was getting the correct amound of air into my system. Guess what. They forgot to call my cardiologist and get a sleeping pill. Fortunately I brought an anxiety pill, and took it. I had taken one only a few hours earlier, because the thought of spending another night in the sleep center was freaking me out. Taking the second pill allowed me to sleep there. I haven't heard anything yet, but I can tell you one thing for sure. I will not go back for a fourth time if they didn't get the correct settings yet. Three strikes and you're out!

Heart Okay! Brain - not so much.

2008-05-09T16:40:00Z

After 3 days of testing, and then two weeks waiting for the results, I found out my heart is fine. Phew! That doesn't answer the question of what is causing my vasovagal attacks, but at least it looks like I won't drop dead from a heart attack.

I did find out I have sleep apnea. I spent a night hooked up to numerous electrodes that fed into a machine that could track my breathing patterns, muscle twitches, etc. The test showed I stopped breathing 48 times in one hour. Holy cow! No wonder I feel dead tired all the time. The technician said my brain was not receiving the oxygen or rest it needed at night, and that could be the cause of all kinds of problems, mental and physical.

I had to go back and spend a second night where they hooked me back up to the electrodes plus a machine that attaches to your nose and blows air into it all night. The air flow is suppose to stimulate your body to keep breathing correctly all night. Can you imagine what it is like to try to sleep with all that wiring taped onto you, including wires taped onto your face and wires glued into your hair, and also have a machine blowing air up your nose? Keep in mind that a camera is aimed at the bed so a technician can watch you sleep all night long. They also tell you that a technician will be coming in to adjust the air flow of the machine until they find the exact amount of pressure that is needed by your body. Needless to say, if you have any kind of sleep problems to begin with, you sure aren't going to get much sleep that night. I was in bed for about an hour when a voice comes through a speaker over the bed, "You don't seem to be sleeping, Mr. Charlebois. Is there anything we can do for your?" I don't imagine I have to tell you what I wanted to tell that technician to do, but being the kind person I am, I controlled myself.

I received a phone call this past Weds. saying that I didn't sleep long enough the last time to get the readings they needed, and I have to go back a third time. The technician said they will request a sleeping pill for me from my cardiologist so I will actually be able to sleep. They couldn't have been ready with that the second time? Whatever. Once this is over, they will order a machine for me to use every night at home, it will be set up to exactly the right air pressure, and supposedly I will wake up feeling more refreshed than I can even imagine. I sure hope so. Right now I'm at work, it's only 1:10 pm, and I definitely need to take a nap! I guess I better go look for some coffee.

Storm Rolls Across The Desert

2008-04-16T02:49:00Z

Storms Roll Across the Desert

Painting by Constance Bates

Poem by William Charlebois

Sometimes it feels like

God has forgotten me;

my life is filled with endless pain.

I see nothing ahead

but empty spans of sand.

A storm erupts before my eyes.

Lightening fills the sky.

The force of God’s power

trembles beneath me.

In time, the rain passes.

Flowers burst forth everywhere.

An eagle rests silently on a cactus

immune to the spiny thorns.

I watch until it spreads its wings

and soars across the sky.

A promise lights my mind:

“But those who are hoping in Jehovah will regain power.

They will mount up with wings like the eagles.

They will run and not grow weary;

they will walk and not tire out.”

I forget my pain and walk across the sparkling sand.

(Isaiah 40:31)

Vasovagal - Oh my!

2008-04-03T20:06:00Z

I get to go to a cardiologist tomorrow for the first time. Yippie! I didn't go to work today, because I guess I'd rather sit home and fret about it. I've been having these weird attacks called "vasovagal." (Rather than give you all the gory details, you can Google or Yahoo vasovagal if you want to find out what the attacks are.) I use to only get them at night after I've gone to bed with a bad cold. My doctor said coughing too much can bring them on. Last Friday, though, I had an attack after leaving a restaurant as we were getting ready to get into a co-worker's car to go back to work. There were four other people with me, and I pretty much freaked them all out. They thought I had a heart attack right there in the parking lot. One called an ambulance, and I got a ride to the hospital. Needless to say, I got the afternoon off from work. I went to our family doctor Tuesday for a followup, and he said it's time to see a cardiologist. It could be rather fatal, not only for me, but for anyone else, if happened to have an attack when I was driving a car. Egads!

Well, the only good part about not going to work today is that I created the digital collage to the left. The background was created by Anna Marie for Artella member's to download if they wanted to use it. I'm calling the collage "Watercolor Love." Hmm. It must have been those hot colors that got to me. Anyway, I'll put a larger version in my gallery if you want to see it. Now I guess I'll go back to fretting about tomorrow.

Born without meaning?

2008-03-22T13:23:00Z

As you are probably aware, I had the privilege of hosting one of the interviews with Dr. Eric Maisel (author of the book The Van Gogh Blues) right here on my blog. I thoroughly enjoyed his answers to my questions. I have to admit now, however, that I have been having a real struggle reading his book. It is full of wonderful advice for the creative person on how to combat depression. His identification of the reasons so many creative people have a constant battle with depression makes perfect sense to me. I even see the need for us creative types to create our own meaning. This is particularly true for anyone who has lived through some form of abuse, physical or mental, and had their meaning taken away from them. I don't agree, however, that we are born without a real meaning, and must determine our own life meaning.

The difference in our opinions stems from the fact that Dr. Maisel is an atheist, whereas I am a firm believer in God. I want to state, though, before I continue, that anything I write is not meant to be judgmental, critical or because I think I'm better than anyone else. Actually, I can understand how people become atheists. If there is a God, why does he allow so much pain and suffering? Why do so many innocent and good people get cancer or any other debilitating life-threatening disease? How can he let the children in Africa starve to death? I believe the Bible gives a very satisfying answer to questions like that, but unfortunately, most churches fail to teach it. The answer often given when someone dies, for example, is "God needed another angel in heaven." I personally find that thought ludicrous. That is not what the Bible teaches. A God of love would not allow someone to die in a horrible car accident because he needed another angel in heaven. However, why people become atheists, and the answers the Bible gives to the questions above, is an entirely different discussion.

If a person has a belief in God, then his life has an immediate "meaning." The artist's need to create and gain fulfillment through that creation is a secondary and "personal" need for additional meaning. The Bible starts out by explaining God's purpose for man being on the earth in the very first book. (If you are an atheist reading this, you also don't believe the Bible is the word of God, so what follows probably won't have a whole lot of significance to you.) Genesis 1: 28 tells us, "Further, God blessed them and God said to them: ‘Be fruitful and become many and fill the earth and subdue it, and have in subjection the fish of the sea and the flying creatures of the heavens and every living creature that is moving upon the earth'." God's original purpose for man was to be the caretakers of the earth. He wanted them to be fruitful, to fill the earth with loving families. If Adam and Eve had not wanted to be their own lawmakers and be like gods, as demonstrated by their failure to obey the one and only simple law God gave them, we could still be enjoying that original paradise.

God also created man with very different abilities than the animals. Genesis tells us that God created man "in his image." It isn't talking about his physical image, because God is invisible and of the spirit realm. Humans have physical bodies. We were made in God's image, however, in the sense that he gave us a conscience and the ability to love, to understand justice and to reason. Animals have limited reasoning abilities and do most things by instinct. (Contrary to what scientists tell us, though, I'm quite sure our dogs love me!) The ability to love and receive love gives great meaning to our lives right from the very start.

Most people agree that humankind is also born with an innate spiritual need. This also separates us from the animals. It gives our lives meaning. (As a side thought, I wonder how evolutionists explain this. Somehow I just don't see how a single cell or amoeba that accidentally came into existence, and managed by some unknown means to split and replicate, could fathom that, not only did it need to evolve in such a way that it could become both male and female life forces, but also develop in a way to acquire a spiritual need.) People fill this need in many different ways. I have read several testimonies from artists in Artellaland that say they find creating art fulfills them in a spiritual sense. Others in Artellaland feel that God inspires their art and writing. Perhaps that is why King Solomon, one of the wisest men to have ever lived, summed up our reason for existence in this way: "The conclusion of the matter, everything having been heard, is: Fear the true God and keep his commandments. For this is the whole obligation of man." (Ecclesiastes 12:13)

I'm sure I could write many more paragraphs on this subject, but if you've read this far, I bet you're thinking you're ready to move on. Suffice it to say, our God given ability to love and to receive love gives us the truest "meaning" in our lives. Jesus, in fact, said the two greatest commandments were about love. " After the Pharisees heard that he had put the Sadducees to silence, they came together in one group. And one of them, versed in the Law, asked, testing him: "Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?" ³⁷ He said to him: "‘You must love Jehovah your God with your whole heart and with your whole soul and with your whole mind.' ³⁸ This is the greatest and first commandment. The second, like it, is this, ‘You must love your neighbor as yourself.' On these two commandments the whole Law hangs, and the Prophets." (Matthew chapter 22) One way that those of us who find fulfillment in creating art can show our love is by giving it to others.

A solution for depression?

2008-03-08T01:05:00Z

Saturday, March 08, 2008

I was very excited when my muse/friend Marney announced that Eric Maisel, PhD, author of The Van Gogh Blues, would be visiting and answering questions in the blogs of Artellaland members. I was even more excited when I learned I had been chosen to be one of those hosts! I have dealt with depression for about 15 years. The more accurate way of stating that would be I have “tried” to deal with depression for about 15 years. The puzzle piece to the left is a poem I wrote that let's you see some of thoughts that go through my mind. (I actually wrote the poem in response to a picture Chameleon created, but I thought it fits in here very well.) I have been through many counseling sessions, read many self-help books, and been put on several different medications. The depression always returned. That is why my first question to Dr. Maisel was:

Bill: What does your new book offer that is different from all of the other solutions doctors have offered?

Eric: Neither medications nor psychotherapy are designed to deal with the difficulties we face in keeping meaning afloat. I am arguing that the primary depression that creators experience is existential in nature and medications and psychotherapy do not touch depressions of that sort. If you are working on your novel and you have the meaning drain out of the enterprise because a thought passes through your brain—that the novel is not excellent, that it will be impossible to publish it, that even if it is published it will get remaindered in a month, or something similar—why would you expect an antidepressant or examining your childhood to help with that moment? What is needed is the active reinvestment of meaning at that split second. These are the ideas that I am trying to communicate.

Bill: But why do creative people always doubt themselves so much? That can lead to depression.

Eric: First of all, the work they do is hard. It is one thing to push papers in an office and another thing to write a real novel. Second, the competition is fierce. Third, there is virtually no middle class in the arts; there are very successful artists and a vast majority who are not making a living. Fourth, it is not so easy to know whether the thing you have made is excellent: how do you judge the merits of another stripe painting or another romance? Fifth, it is not so easy to know why this thing you are slaving over matters: who cares if you have figured out a way to stage an opera at the beach with singers dressed like waterfowl? Sixth, there are the messages delivered by the culture, that artists are not real workers, that they do not really contribute, that they are somehow cultural parasites, and so on. Seventh, there are the messages that parents communicate, that a life in the arts is not only risky but indulgent and grandiose. That is the short list. I could go on—if I didn’t have some art to make!

Bill: My next question is related to identity problems. My father never wanted an artistic son. He said it meant I would “turn out gay.” Why do so many people think that if a man is artistic it means he is gay? The labels just add to the identity problems many artistic people have.

Eric: This question sounds a little like a Protestant doctor asking why people think that if you are a doctor you must be Jewish. Who cares what people think? Stereotypes exist because they often have some solid basis in reality and gays and lesbians are disproportionately represented in the arts, which gives rise to this particular stereotype, but so what? If someone were to call me gay, I would just hit him with my purse! Well, to be half-serious, it is very important not to care much about the opinions of others and to remain the final arbiter of meaning and self-identity. To give away even an ounce of that power is to give away too much.

Bill: I can understand we don’t want to give away power. Many of the artists I’ve talked to feel lonely, though. Why do we feel lonely?

Eric: Because they are not convinced that relationships serve them or interest them. Often they are happiest alone in the studio doing the work, and they extrapolate from that happiness that maybe other people are just burdensome and not really worth cultivating. This is a grave mistake; both creating and relating are necessary for an artist to maintain a sense of emotional well-being. But the artist has to actually make an effort to relate or else the relating won’t happen: relationships are not going to come to him. He must make friends; be a friend; find intimacy; and get good at intimacy. Otherwise, he will be lonely.

I had not read any of Dr. Maisel’s book, The Van Gogh Blues, by the time I had to come up with my four questions. I thought, “Oh great. I’m going to sound really dumb.” I am about halfway through the book now, and realize my questions were the same ones asked by many artists. Dr. Maisel’s answers and solutions to these questions make sense to me. Now to put them to practice!

(Having a very strong faith in God, I just want to say for record I do not agree with Dr. Maisel's atheistic beliefs. I do heartedly recommend reading his book, though.)

There is one more blog to visit to read the last interview Dr. Maisel gave to an Artellaland member. Please visit: QBU Learns to Be Creative on Sunday, March 09, 2008.