Pediatric Medical Record Terminology
(first published in Greater Expectations, the newsletter of CEA of Tacoma; reprinted in The Tacoma News Tribune by Denny MacGougan)
- "Baby feeding well" -- Your newborn nurses every 45 minutes for the first three months of life.
- "Baby voiding well" -- You are washing six loads of diapers a day.
- "Loud lusty cry" -- Loud cry timed with cunning and malice to discourage lust between parents.
- "Father plays active parenting role" -- Once he handed you the baby powder.
- "Mild fever" -- 106-degree fever which remains high when taken rectally, orally, or anywhere but the doctor's office.
- "Common cold" -- Most easily recognized by dried mucus covering child's face from hairline to chin. NOTE: This condition cannot be treated, but with any luck at all, within 24 hours condition will become acute ear infection or bronchial pneumonia, both of which are easily cured and get you more respect from the receptionist.
- "Simple teething symptoms" -- Child sleepless for three days and nights, drooling or foaming at mouth; diarrhea, vomiting, unable to eat or drink; fever, rash, coughing, glassy eyes, colic-like crying; hair falling out, delirium tremens and schizoid tendencies; child comfortable only when chewing padded dash of in-law's new car or neighbor's piano leg.
- "Mother tends to over-react" -- You called the doctor at home once when child went into cardiac arrest.
- "Verbal skills moderately delayed" -- Child can recite Gettysburg Address at home, but in doctor's presence, oral cavity restricted to place for insertion of thumb.
- "Activity skills moderately delayed" -- Child can build Winchester Cathedral with Tinker Toys at home, but in doctor's presence, fingers restricted to removing foreign matter from nose.
- "Patient not cooperative during exam" (usually refers to toddler, although mother could be the target) --Broke thermometer, would not stand still to be weighed, urinated on nurse, opened all cabinets, turned on all sink faucets, pulled out all paper towels and Kleenex, unscrewed seat from doctor's exam stool, screamed Banshee-like during stethoscope examination, bit doctor on kneecap, raced naked out of exam room, waiting room, and parking lot.
- "Child needs firmer discipline" -- See above.
- "Patient perfectly normal" -- Has all the above written in his medical records.