If I Never Hear These Words Again...
I
know, I'm supposed to say "... it'll be too soon". That would finish the title to make one
sentence. Note that I didn't say "intelligible
sentence". That particular phrase has puzzled me since I
was old enough to know whether what I just heard made sense or not. This one
does not.
How
can an event that does not happen... happen too soon? There's no answer. I won't try to provide
one, and if you think there's a way to explain it, I can assure you I won't
think you make sense - I mean you as
a creature that breathes my air and uses up my precious and dwindling resources. But it does raise some important questions. See
below.*
Why
do people keep saying unintelligible things?
I
just got another email touting "The Feel-Good Movie of the Year!" The obvious question here is, "Why did this
particular piece of junk mail make it past my spam filter?"
I've
already read reviews of several different The Feel-Good Movie of the Year -
which raises another question: Dare we write, "The Feel-Good Movie of the Years" when referring to them in ponderous
bulk? Or is it more correctly written, "The
Feel-Good Movies of the Year"? Or possibly, "The Feels-Good Movie of the Year", in which case you can find it in the
section of the video store with the curtain across the door and the minimum age
requirement.
Point
being, it should be obvious that there can be only one "The Feel-Good Movie of
the Year". I propose (I'm still running
for office here - see earlier blog) a law, or least an administration policy,
that limits use of this title to only one movie at a time. Furthermore, I recommend that the officious title
"The Feel-Good Movie of the Year" not be
used until the last month of any given year for which it wins the right to
wear said title.
Nominees
will go before the public, and the public will be heard. Aunt Bobby will post a forum in the Café here,
and (promise you'll play fair) each person can vote only once.
There
will be a new vote, with all new submissions, the following day, and you can
vote again. At the Forum site, Marney
will place a Light Bulb (new contest), a Thumbs Up (cast your ballot), or That
Other Thing to show the polls are closed.
"The Feel-Good Movie of the Year" will be announced on the last day of the year at 11:59 p.m. (2359
in military hours) for that year, and for ONE PRECIOUS SECOND (my
administration doesn't like wasting time), the winning film wears the title "The
Feel-Good Movie of the Year". At
precisely midnight, we the weary public are not subjected to that phrase for
any reason, and especially not in my email box, until the following year at
11:59 p.m. (2359 hours).
If
you approve of this plan (I'm checking my presidential ratings here), please DO
NOT email me with the subject title "The Feel-Good Movie of the Year". I will assume the popularity of my plan given
the absence of the phrase from my sight and hearing.
Electorally
yours, Constance Bates ("The Feel-Good Candidate of the Year")
*
Authors write "See below" because presumably some people read along and then
suddenly, for no apparent reason, their eyes fly to the ceiling or dart across the
room or just fall out of their face. So
yes, dear child, keep reading in the ever-downward left-to-right manner to
which we've become accustomed. **
** I'm not being
politically impolite here by saying "we've become accustomed". If you read Chinese or Hebrew or some other
language that is clearly backwards and/or upside down, you wouldn't be reading
my blog. Or if you are, it wouldn't make
sense. Which is the topic of my blog -
things that don't make sense -- in case you don't read English and could use
some hints here.