The Bates MoTELLA

The first ten things I would do if elected president

This exercise was prompted by a page in my Do It Later! calendar (A 2008 Planner [or Non-Planner] for the Creative Procrastinator).  Procrastinator Wisdom for January 1 proclaims, "Procrastinators avoid one thing by doing another; it's much more productive than doing nothing."  My planner offers a few ideas for productively wasting time, in the event that we're unwilling to waste time trying to think of more ways to waste time.

I decided to use FDR's New Deal "alphabet agencies" as my model.  Here's Roosevelt's list (courtesy of Wikipedia.org):

1. AAA - Agricultural Adjustment Administration
2. CAA - Civilian Aeronautics Authority (now Federal Aviation Administration)
3. CCC - Civilian Conservation Corps
4. CCC - Commodity Credit Corporation
5. CWA - Civil Works Administration
6. FAP - Federal Art Project, part of WPA
7. FCA - Farm Credit Administration
8. FCC - Federal Communications Commission
9. FDIC - Federal Deposit Insurance Corporation
10. FERA - Federal Emergency Relief Administration
11. FHA - Federal Housing Administration
12. FMP - Federal Music Project, part of WPA
13. FSA - Farm Security Administration
14. FTP - Federal Theatre Project, part of WPA
15. FWP - Federal Writers' Project, part of WPA
16. HOLC - Home Owners Loan Corporation
17. NIRA - National Industrial Recovery Act
18. NLRB - National Labor Relations Board
19. NRA - National Recovery Administration
20. NYA - National Youth Administration, part of WPA
21. PRRA - Puerto Rico Reconstruction Administration
22. PWA - Public Works Administration
23. RA - Resettlement Administration
24. REA - Rural Electrification Administration
25. RFC - Reconstruction Finance Corporation (originally a Hoover agency)
26. SEC - Securities and Exchange Commission
27. SSB - Social Security Board (now Social Security Administration)
28. TVA - Tennessee Valley Authority
29. USHA - United States Housing Authority
30. WPA - Works Progress Administration

I'm a modest sort of campaigner here -- not to mention, I only expect one four-year term, so I'm happy to present just ten alphabet agencies in my administration.

1. OSIS - OutSource Inside the States  (Do you really want to hear hardly intelligible instructions for rebooting your p.c. after a failed recovery attempt? Of course you do, so I propose sending all telephone helpline jobs to underemployed regions in Louisiana and New Jersey.)
2. TPOT - Ten Percent Off the Top  (10% good enough for God? Then it's fine for the government. Under the TPOT umbrella: DLD - Dotted Line Dollars so that 1/10th of each dollar can easily be stripped away for immediate disposition to the government.)
3. REFF - Return to the Education of the Founding Fathers  ("Local schools will reflect values of surrounding community." Rural schools a little backwards? Urban schools overcrowded? Well, duh. Save your pity and your pennies.)
4. RFI - Real Food Initiative  (No gas-ripened tomatoes and bananas, which should save a lot of gas and bring down prices at the pump, my friend. No hormone-pumped plumper cows; I just don't like it, not one bit. Under the RFI umbrella: VGI [affectionately known as "veggie"] - Victory Garden home-grown foods Incentives.)
5. ZWPG -  Zero Welfare Population Growth  (With the success of my other alphabet agencies, this one will take care of itself.  If it doesn't, we'll re-educate welfare recipients in Social Services master's degree programs; with their newly acquired expertise, they can resolve the problem & earn a salary while doing it.)
   
6. DWP - Displaced Workers Program  (Can't drive a truck filled with gassed unripe tomatoes and bananas? You qualify for training in installing solar grids at schools and mini-wind turbines in paid parking structures, where folks' electric cars will be recharged as they stop and shop.  )
7. HUD/H4H - Housing & Urban Development will become an arm of Habitat for Humanity  (I would provide explication here except that there's not a person on the planet who doesn't applaud the move, facts or not.)
8. OSPCP - OutSourced Penal Colony Plan  (You're requesting that you be institutionalized closer to the college campus and fitness gym of your choice... So, which is closer: Botswana or Bosnia?)
9. CUTI - Clean Urine Test Incentives  (This program is umbrella'd under nearly every other alphabet agency.  Don't do drugs and just SEE all the great stuff the government will toss your way!)

I know I promised you ten.  But this is, after all, a presidential election.  And if I told you all my hot licks, some other candidate might steal them.  (Wasn't it Nixon who got away with that one?)  To be honest -- and I know how the voting public honors honesty -- I'm waiting a while to do number ten.  A quick review of my alphabet agencies reveals an overuse of the letters O, S, P, and T, and a lack of the letters A and Z.  There is no further page in my Procrastinator's planner dealing with positive uses for the alpha and omega letters.

My next subject is the importance of the underused letters of the alphabet.  In fact, when I have time to write it up, I may provide a treatise on the topic.  I may make my own calendar planner, based on tasks, chores, and ideas for avoiding them, for every letter of the alphabet.  Every letter, voters!  Every A... B... C... D... E... F... G... H...