January 2008 - Posts
Goodbyes are never easy. In fact, I hate them. What's hardest is when I know there will be a considerable amount of time before I will see someone again because in those goodbyes are the hugs that linger long enough to choke back the tears so the one I embrace doesn't see. But inevitably when I pull away, I can't hold the tears any longer and the charade of me trying to be strong in the departure is exposed. Yes, I sincerely hate goodbyes.
As my journey here in Southern Utah/Northern Arizona comes to a close, however, the goodbye train is rolling through town at top speed. Phone calls and e-mails from well wishers who want to get together for one last foray to the Rewind Diner or for one last pitcher of cheap beer on tap at the Buckskin. What's worse than dealing with all these requests is that some people actually really want to get together to do those things!
My first real goodbye gathering was this past Friday night with a group of women I have just recently begun to grow with and feel this goodbye has come far too soon. But in our brief time together we called each other sisters and now the youngest one is moving on to a new chapter. They prepared vegan goodies for me to eat, champagne for us to toast, and each brought a small gift for me to take along on my travels ahead.
Each gift a reminder of who gave it to me or of how they saw me. I was given angels, a goddess, words from the heart and a vegan patch that made me grin ear to ear. These people truly know me and have embraced the things that are important to me. I cherish that.
And here are the words that I read aloud; the words that echo exactly what I was talking about in my last post about stepping back. Okay Universe, I hear you, loud and clear!
And just when it ends, it begins.
A lot seems to be unfolding in this writer's life. For one, I am thankful that I have people who love me that remind me to write and that I get up a little earlier the next day to do so. It feels good and my day is going to be better for it. It already is. My writing isn't taking the form of anything concrete at the moment but it is still very substantial. I find myself exploring morning pages again and wonder how I ever strayed from them in the first place. They allow me to dump whatever I need to out on the page first thing in the morning and to, many times, discover insights that allow me to exhale whatever I'm holding inside. That's good because otherwise I'd be holding my breath and would eventually turn various shades of red, purple and blue. 
Instead, I let go.
I took this picture on my recent trip to Eugene, OR; the place that I will be calling home in less than a month. This one is part of the Skinner Butte and I felt compelled to photograph these makeshift stairs.
I've looked at this picture a number of times since I've been home. Yes, I did walk them while I was there and do know where they eventually came out. It was a little anticlimactic to say the least but I'm not certain what I was expecting in the first place. This, then, reminds me that sometimes it's not about what is at the end but instead about the journey to get there. Each step, each path, each road is different and many times the best part is taking them to get to where I'm headed. More often than not, I'm focused on the destination and forget to breathe in the excitement of actually GETTING somewhere. And who knows what the end really is anyway? I may head out somewhere only to find a new road that leads me somewhere completely different. That's the part to relish. That's the journey. That's the moment that I'm in.
In the distance can be something I see. Something I can wait to get to. I'm learning not to rush to get there but to instead step back and just take it all in. So here I go.
My cousin, Darcee (whom I adore and miss greatly!), has this quote posted on her MySpace page:
"Sometimes things fall apart just so other things can fall into place."
And then comes this from Carrie who I've watched grow into an even stronger woman than when I first met her:
"She SMASHED the REARVIEW MIRROR with HER FIST because staring today she is NEVER looking back!"
When I read these, I smiled, committed them to memory and hold them close as I move forward with my life right now. Onward...
I admittedly have an addiction to books. My crack house is Barnes & Noble or Half Priced Books (and hopefully soon Portland's very own Powell's). I can't resist the temptation to sift through shelves and shelves of words on paper. New car smell has nothing on the scent of a new (and even aged) book. I also have an addiction for books on writing. I've come across many that have been nothing more than 135 pages of "writers write" and have wished for my money back. Yes, I know that's what writers do; that's why we are called writers. Yet there is something to be said for that 135 pages of drivel telling me that writers write because often I do quite the opposite.
Wanting to get back into the daily writing swing of things (which as of Day 3 in 2008 I have successfully done), I turned to my collection of writing books in what honestly was an attempt to procrastinate on writing and instead just READ about writing instead. I pulled down a book that I'd had since my autumn trip to Seattle titled The Write Brain Workbook by Bonnie Neubauer. Much to my surprise the reading part took all of two minutes and she even says in the two minute introduction that her book was not one about reading about writing but actually one to get me to actually write. What a concept! There are 366 exercises. One for each day of the year (and that extra, luckily, is there since it's a Leap Year) and are labeled as such. Day One had me thinking about being a gerbil in a wheel, a five year old with pig tails on a carousel who almost lost my cajun lunch and ending in a photo booth to have a keepsake of where I've been and where I'm going. Neubauer did it. She tricked me into writing. I look forward to being tricked tomorrow, too.
Be sure to check this out. Definitely a writing book worth the paper it's printed on!
Find out more about Bonnie's work at http://www.bonnieneubauer.com
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At my little health food and wellness shoppe, I am lucky enough to be fostering a most adorable kitty named Loomis. Check out all his adventures by going to http://www.bestfriends.org/guardianangel and clicking on "Loomis". He's one big fella with lots of love to give. If you are in the market for a cuddle bug, look no further!
I wondered if writing a post about the New Year would be too prosaic but then I thought, what the hell and decided to do one anyway. I've never been one for resolutions but I think that with the year that I pushed behind me, I am in need of some resolutions. I thought of many but decided on three. (This year is all about setting myself up for success, you see). So here they are:
1) Write everyday. Yep, there it is. I said it. Call me on it, okay? I'm talking at least 5 minutes (because that usually ends up being much more) and e-mails do not count! Speaking of e-mails...
2) Spend less time online. The past six months I have been addicted to online pursuits. I'm not saying I'm pulling the plug entirely but the internet has turned into a huge time monster for me when I could be doing other things that I'd really like to do instead. See number 1.
3) Take better care of myself. This includes cooking more, (which is healthy and saves more money), spending time alone, finding a way to move my body and not have it be that dreaded "e" word, and saying no more often. I can't continue to be pulled every which way anymore. This year is going to be about me. Yep, I'm going to be selfish and I'm okay with that.
So now as my shepherd's pie bakes in the oven (see resolution 3) and the brownies are on standby, I'm already feeling pretty good. Ah and this counts towards number 1 but still call me on it when you see me around.